Precious Things
by icantbestill29
Summary: She is endgame. You don't know what took you so long to realize it.
1. Chapter 1

Sometimes it takes one instance, one split second to remind you how utterly fucking stupid you are. Like beyond words stupid. Infantile and jaded and yes, gross. Even when the person you love more than anything else calls you on your bullshit, you still don't learn. You're incapable of doing anything right. It's only when you're slapped in the face with the possibility of losing that person that you begin to wake up from your power hungry head trip.

I came out from the bathroom to complete chaos. CO's running past me, alarms sounding but no one paying any attention as they rushed past. I headed out into the yard and saw everyone being herded away from the lake they had apparently found on prison grounds, huddled in small groups as the attention turned toward the greenhouse.

Morello didn't waste any time debriefing me on what was going on, her voice catching as she reached for my hand. I only comprehend small pieces of what she's telling me. Alex in the greenhouse with a guard who wasn't really a guard. He tried to kill her but she gave him one hell of a fight. Managed to push him through a glass door. Fake guard was shot dead by real guard. Ambulance came but saw nobody saw Alex leaving in it and no one knows if she's okay. If she's alive or dead.

She might have said something else but I didn't hear anything. I could only hear the pulsing in my own ears and a faint voice echoing in my distorted brain _. Alex is dead_ , it repeated over and over. _Alex is dead and this is all on you_.

I lunged forward and vomited on the ground, my legs no longer able to hold me. "Fuck!" I heard myself screaming in a voice that I wasn't entirely sure was my own. "Fuck." I barely felt Morello crouching to my level and putting her arms around me. I didn't feel Yoga's hand on my back or Boo, as gently as Boo could manage any way, lifting me up. I felt nothing except the throb of the marking I had given myself and all I fucking wanted to do was give into the pain and sink into it and feel nothing else.

Because then I wouldn't have to think about how I had murdered the only person I'd ever loved.


	2. Chapter 2

Precious Things- Chapter Two

" _Drink?"_

 _Her voice was seductive and I felt a shiver of pleasure creep up into the recesses of my stomach. I looked up and took her in. The room was dimly lit but I could see that she was more gorgeous than ever. Her long black hair cascaded in waves down her bare back and she wore an emerald green halter dress that complimented her eyes. I was used to her wearing all black, so the green took my breath away. The dress clung to her curves in all the right places and that familiar desire began to fill me._ _It had always been like this between us. My body could physically sense when she was nearby and it immediately reacted. It didn't matter if I wanted to strangle her, how much I told myself I hated her guts. I wanted her. All the time._

 _I nodded as she strode toward where I was sitting and I drank in her beautiful body, my eyes sweeping down to gaze at her breasts, barely covered by fabric. She caught me looking and smiled teasingly, leaning over close to me as she placed my vodka tonic down on the table in front of me. I could smell the heady scent of her perfume and the scent that was simply Alex. My head grew light with desire as her hair brushed my cheek. I reached forward for her, almost knocking my drink over in the process._

" _Alex." Her name on my lips was barely a whisper as a fire consumed me. I needed her now. As I pulled her to me, kissing her knuckles, I swept back the hair that was covering the left side of her face. And I let out a blood curdling scream as I realized in horror what I was looking at._

 _The entire side of her face was missing. I could see where the bullet had gone clean through. It was completely wasted._

" _Ah," She said over my screams. "I know. Kind of a mood killer, huh?"_

" _Fuck, Alex," I sobbed. "Your face!" Her absolutely flawless, perfect face. Fleshless. Only bone._

 _She shrugged as I dry heaved. "What are you gonna do? I was going to lose my looks sooner or later, right?" Alex smiled and reached out to stroke my cheek. "I hope you're not blaming yourself, Pipes. Because I forgive you. I always do. Always." She cupped my chin in her hand and tilted it toward her. "Now kiss me already."_

I heard myself screaming over and over, my throat burning with every sound that erupted from my lungs. Almost immediately, I felt a comforting hand on my forehead.

"Shh, honey. It's OK. It was just a dream." I opened my eyes slowly and focused in on Red.

"Where am I?" I asked hoarsely. I felt like complete and utter shit. The room was dark and I struggled to sit up.

With an uncharacteristic gentleness, Red eased me back down into the pillow. "No, no, don't try to get up. You're safe, Blondie. You're in our cube."

She sat down next to me. "After your little episode, we brought you back here. The guards were too concerned with handling the lake situation and what happened with Vause to notice. You've been out cold for hours."

At the mention of Alex, I visibly stiffened and Red patted my hand. "She's very lucky, you know to have gotten out of there with little more than a few scratches. " She shook her head. "Not that I should be surprised. Tough as shit, that one is. Must have Russian in her somewhere."

I shook my head to try to get rid of the cobwebs that seemed to have taken up residence in my brain. "Wait, what about Alex?" My mouth felt like I just swallowed a spoonful of peanut butter and Red immediately understood and procured a cup of water from the bedside table. I sucked greedily from the straw for a few seconds until I felt rehydrated and turned to her. "Did someone give me something?"

Red nodded curtly. "I had some pain pills left over from Rosa. You needed to sleep."

I couldn't really argue and I couldn't be bothered to ask any more questions. I needed to find out about Alex.

My breathing felt like it would halt at any given moment, like I couldn't take nearly enough air in to satisfy my lungs. "Al-Alex isn't…she isn't dead?"

I didn't get to see Red's expression soften that often, especially toward me. Her mouth and eyes relaxed and she looked almost pretty. It was unexpected gold.

"No, honey. She's not dead. She's a little banged up."

Those painkillers must have been super strong because I still felt fuzzy, like my brain and my mouth were operating at two different speeds. "But how? I don't understand. Didn't he have some sort of weapon?"

Red shrugged. "No one knows any of the details. I talked to Healy and found out she only has some scratches and bruises, a broken wrist. They are keeping her in the hospital overnight for observation but she should be back tomorrow." Red took both of my cheeks in her hands, searching my eyes. "She's OK. Do you understand?"

I felt myself nodding dumbly but Red refused to let go of my face and as I stared into her eyes, unchanging and steady, I began to believe it. Alex was not dead. Alex was OK. She had not been shot. Alex was OK. She was going to be OK.

Relief began to course through my body and I could feel the tears spill over. I hadn't cried in months and the release felt so good I let it wash over me like a rain fall.

Red gazed at me. "This is good crying. Cry now and let it out." Something in her expression changed. "But when she comes back, you need to cut the bullshit."

"What?"

"Do not pretend you don't know what I'm talking about, Chapman. I'm telling you, you need to cut the bullshit and fix things with her."

"I want to," My voice was meek and I winced at the sound. "I don't know if I can."

If I was expecting any more sympathy from Red, I knew I wouldn't find it. She had reached her quota for the day with me.

She squared her jaw and looked straight into my eyes. "You can. And you will."


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter Three

 _Alex's POV_

They say when you know you're going to die, your life flashes before your eyes. You kind of look back on your life and realize what you'll miss. See what you did wrong and what you did right. I didn't think about any of that shit.

When I came face to face with Aydin in the greenhouse and I knew that my worst nightmares had come true and he was there to kill me, I didn't think about where I'd fucked up in my life to get to that moment. I didn't think about the horrible shit I'd had to do or seen in my line of work. I didn't even think about my Mom. Truth be told, you don't have time to dwell on your mistakes when someone is standing in front of you with a knife. (Kubra was not remotely stupid. He knew Aydin could probably over power me and kill me without the aid of a gun since he was highly trained in combat). What you do think of is the one thing that gives you the motivation to fight. To say, fuck this, I'm going to get out of this or die trying.

"You don't have to do this," I'd told him, my goddamn voice shaking. I was as close as I would ever be to pleading but I wasn't pleading for me. As I stood there, all I could think of was her face and her voice and her touch. How we had left things. How she'd feel if I died in that greenhouse, alone. How she pretended she was strong but my death would destroy her. I could pretend that in the final moments of my life, I didn't give a fuck about Piper but I would only be lying to myself. She was all I thought about. She was all I saw when I begged for my life.

So I fought back. For her. I fought back with every fucking ounce of strength I had in me and that is the sole reason I survived. I put that motherfucker through the glass and I would do it again. It's only a temporary solution to a bigger problem and I know if Kubra wants to kill me, he'll find another way. At least now he knows I'm stronger than he thinks. I'm far from the unsure little girl he knew when I first started this. I've made it a level playing field but the battle has only started. If he can't kill me, he's going to go after the only thing I care about. And I'm not going to ever let that fucking happen.

Sitting in that hospital bed, I didn't care about my aching wrist or my bruised ribs or my black eye. I had survived and with that came the most amazing sense of clarity…I needed her. In spite of how crazy she had been acting and the stupid high school jealous bullshit with Carlin...I needed her and I needed to make sure she was safe. I was the only one who could make sure of it.

Even if the person she needed saving from was herself.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter Four

" _Hey," Alex kissed my neck as she came up behind me as I was pouring a cup of coffee at the counter._

" _Hey yourself." I turned around to kiss her softly. This was how I liked her best. No make-up, her hair wild, in just a black tank and boy shorts. She had no clue how beautiful she was._

" _Thanks for breakfast," I told her, gesturing to the veggie omelet I'd found waiting for me when I'd woken up. It was our usual routine on the weekends for Al to get up early and take care of breakfast and coffee while I tended to sleep in. Living with her had turned out to be quite the adventure. I'd quickly found out within the time period of a week that she both cooked and did the New York Times crossword puzzle daily. It made me giggle to know my big, bad drug importer girlfriend had an insatiable need to know what thirteen down was. I loved that she could still surprise me._

 _Alex smiled and pushed her glasses up on her head. "No big deal. Sorry if it was a little cold. Somebody decided they were going to sleep the day away," she said pointedly and I hit her shoulder._

 _"Yeah well, somebody tired me out last night," I countered, kissing a trail behind her ear, delighting when she moaned. I didn't get to see her come undone often but I loved that I had the power to do just that. One more than one occasion we'd ended up on that very counter, not having made it to the bedroom._

 _"Pipes," She murmured against my mouth. "We'd better stop or I'll never get to what I wanted to tell you."_

 _"And what's that?" I asked, leaning in to nip her lower lip. I was being a horrible tease and I knew it. Alex would make me pay for it later._

 _I felt her slip something hard and plastic into my palm and I looked down. "You're giving me your credit card?"_

 _She reddened ever so slightly and it was the cutest thing I'd ever seen. "Yeah, I thought since you live here now you might wanna pick up a few things to uh, redecorate or something. Put your own spin on things." She ran a hand through her hair. "Slyvie picked out a lot of this shit, the furniture and stuff so I figured you'd want to order stuff you picked out. Make the place feel more like home."_

 _Just when I thought she couldn't surprise me anymore…_

 _"Alex Vause, you are the sweetest!" I kissed her cheek and again I got to see her blush. "Absolutely, yes, I'd love to redecorate!"_

 _"Great," She kissed me lightly and went to pour herself another cup of coffee. "And you can spend whatever you want. Price doesn't matter, OK? Anything you want."_

 _I pouted. "You're not coming with me? What if I pick out something you don't like?"_

 _"Babe, I have so much work shit to catch up with today, it's unbelievable. Besides," she sighed. "You know how much I hate shopping. Seriously, I'll like whatever you like. "_

 _"Please, Al." I asked hopefully. "It won't be the same without you."_

 _I could see her resolve melting. "Fine," she grumbled. "But you totally owe me."_

I lay in my bunk that night, hours after Red had told me Alex was alive, unable to sleep. I didn't know if it was because I had been dead to the world earlier or it was the terrifying knowledge I'd probably have to face her in the morning.

As I stared blankly at the ceiling, listening to the sound of Red snoring softly across from me, more memories swirled inside my head, coming fast and furious like wild fire.

 _The rain pounded on the windows of our villa and I couldn't help but sigh. I hadn't seen or heard from Alex since breakfast. The same cycle of thoughts invaded my mind as they did every time she was gone for long amounts of time during an operation. I was always so sure that this time would be the time I would lose her…_

 _My stomach grumbled. It was nearly dinner and I was starving. Suddenly I was annoyed. I was tired of being left alone and especially on today of all days. Clearly Alex had forgotten the significance of this day. Or maybe she remembered and she didn't care, didn't see it as a big deal. Either way, I was sick of spending the weekend in the Turks alone and holed up in the villa. Alex had come here for work but I had come here for Alex._

 _Disheartened, I decided to take a walk outside, despite the rain. It was a fitting back drop to my already shitty mood. As I strolled up and down the private beach connected with our villa, I couldn't help but wonder sometimes why I stayed. Why I put up with the worry and being left alone and the stress of dealing with all the people associated with her…I loved her so much but I was exhausted with the weight of it all._

 _"Hey." Her voice was suddenly in my ear, husky with remorse. "You look beautiful."_

 _I wore a white sundress, my hair loosely curled around my face in the hopes of going to dinner to celebrate. Now I was soaked and I was certain my hair was plastered to my head._

 _To my horror, as she spun me around, I began to cry, big, fat ugly tears and I was sure she was going to recoil in horror as Alex Vause did not handle crying women well but she simply took me into her arms and stroked the back of my head._

 _"I'm sorry babe, "She said into my hair. "I know you were waiting for me and it's been all day. Please, please don't cry."_

 _I'd never heard her apologize before. Admit she had been wrong in a roundabout way, yes, but even then it was for mundane stuff like leaving the cap off the toothpaste or not replacing the last roll of toilet paper. She never apologized for work, ever._

" _I have something for you," She said softly. "Turn around." I obeyed and she clasped a dainty diamond pendant necklace around my neck. I knew she'd tried hard to get me something that was more my style and the gesture was so sweet, I threw my arms around her neck._

 _"Do you like it?" Her manner was almost shy, as if she was afraid I'd say no. My girlfriend was still so scared of rejection and it broke my heart to know what I knew about the asshole she called her father. Vulnerable Alex was rare but in those moments, I wanted to put her in a bubble and protect her from the world._

 _"I love it," I told her seriously. "And I love you."_

 _"You're not mad?" She scanned my face. "Honestly?"_

 _"Honestly…" I hedged. "A little, I mean, I was. Just because I worry."_

 _Alex visibly relaxed. "I know you do, Pipes. Listen, you know I'm shit with words but…this past year, with you…it really has been awesome. I mean it." She took my hands in hers. "I really do love you."_

 _I looked at her then, really looked at her. Her hair was stuck to her face and her clothes were like a second skin. She was the most gorgeous thing I'd ever seen. It suddenly struck me how lucky I was._

 _"I love you too." Our lips met and I clung to her, my life line, my everything. It was just us on that beach and as far as I was concerned, in the world._

 _"Happy anniversary, Piper."_

How could I have fucked up so badly with her? I could never accept her for who she was when she was constantly forgiving me and all my shit.

 _I_ was the fuck up. I had fucked up by leaving her when her mom died, when she needed me the most and I had done it again when I hadn't believed her that Kubra was going to have her killed. And I knew Alex. I knew she was just going to forgive me again when it was me who put her in that situation in the first place. It was me who almost got her killed. Maybe she could forgive me but I couldn't forgive myself.

My tattoo stared back up at me mockingly, a reminder how disgusting I had truly become. Trust no bitch indeed. It was ironic. I was the bitch and Alex's only mistake was trusting me.

I was not about to let her trust me again.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter Five

Alex's POV

From the back of the van I watched houses and buildings blur by and for once I didn't wonder about what I was missing in the world. I had had enough of bad hospital coffee and shitty day time television to last a lifetime. I actually wanted to go back to the grey bubble that was Litchfield. I wasn't safe anywhere, really but this wasn't just about me. If they were going to try to get to Piper and I wouldn't put anything past Kubra, I needed to be here.

Caputo had been ordered to keep me quiet as much as he could. That meant I had leverage and I was as sure as fuck going to us it. Funny how an assassin posing as a guard creates bad publicity and that was something that fucking Boy Wonder running this shit show wanted to avoid at all costs. I could tell it burned Caputo's ass to ask me what I wanted in order to keep things quiet. He had mumbled some sort of apology that was barely an apology when had visited me a few hours after I'd been at the hospital. As if anything he had to say could have made up for that fact Aydin had been able to come onto the grounds in the first place. Still, I wasn't stupid. I would play their game and keep my mouth shut as long as they played _my_ game. They were in no position to say no.

The ride was silent and for that I was grateful. There was shit anyone could say. There wasn't shit I wanted to say to anyone. All I wanted was to see her face, look in her eyes and have her know I was fine, that I would be fine and go to sleep for a million fucking years. "You sleep to avoid life, Al," Diane always used to say. She was right. It was easier that way.

"Litchfield," the guard who I didn't recognize droned. I had almost asked to see his badge but I restrained myself. They wouldn't fuck up twice. We parked and he came around to open the door.

"Fuck me," I murmured. It was both a relief and a kick in the stomach to come back to those walls. To put on my hideous khakis and go back to the barely edible food and the eyeliner made from coffee grounds and the cries of inmates during the night. It was what I knew now.

Bell greeted me at intake with a ghost of a smile on her face. "Good to see you alive, Vause," She handed me a clean uniform and gestured toward the bunks. "I'm going to spare you the formalities. Perkins here," she gestured to the guard who'd driven me in, "is going to take you to the bunks."

"Thanks," I replied impassively following her to my cube. I was back in the Suburbs but everyone was at breakfast. Another thing to be grateful for. I didn't have to rehash the same story a million times. I laid down on my bunk and closed my eyes.

"Ain't exactly a five star hotel, is it Vause?" A familiar voice made me jump and my eyes popped open. "Compared to max though…"

I grinned at the familiar sight of that mop of unruly curls. "Fucking Nichols!" I got up to hug her tightly. "You look good," I scrutinized her face.

"Yeah, well, that's more than I can say for you," she ran a hand over my face. "What a fucking shiner. Heard you gave it back to the bastard though." Her features darkened. "Shit, Vause. What the fuck is happening around here?"

"I'm really glad you're back," I told her sincerely, squeezing her hand.

"You should've known," Nicky looked at me pointedly, sitting down on my bunk. "Since you were the one who got me out of max."

I hadn't wanted her to know that I'd used some of that new found leverage to get her back . It wasn't important how she came back to us, only that she had.

I waved dismissively. "Caputo owes me."

"I don't forget a favor," Nicky ran her hands through her hair. "Seriously, Vause, if you need anything…"

"Just happy you're here. Morello was beside herself." I shut up. I didn't know how much she knew about her ex and I wasn't going to be the one to tell her. "Red will be thrilled too."

Nicky shrugged. "Yeah, I don't know about that," she shifted her weight uncomfortably. "So I take it you haven't seen Chapman yet. She's at breakfast."

I shook my head. "I plan to. I don't know what I'm going to say though. We left things on shitty terms."

"That was before you almost fuckin' died, remember? That shit changes people's perspectives."

Now it was my turn to shrug. "I don't know, maybe. I'll never know with her."

"You don't want her back?" Nicky asked incredulously. "Because she's like a fucking disease with you."

"It's fucking complicated," I sighed. "She got in way over her head with this panty business and she ran her mouth off to a lot of people…" I pushed my glasses back up to the bridge of my nose. "It's never over with us though, is it? Not really."

"You know that, I know that. She knows that. Hell, everyone knows that." Nicky looked me directly in the eye. "What do you want to do about it?"

 _I want to protect her_ , I thought. To me, she was always going to be that naïve twenty two year old that I had to look out for. Beautiful and fragile. But she needed more than that. She needed me to show her she didn't have to be hard. That wasn't Pipes.

"Do you forgive her?"

"That's a loaded fucking question, Nichols." One that I couldn't answer now. At least not before a nap.

She patted my leg as I lay back down. "Someone's gotta ask the tough questions." And then she was gone.

I didn't know what I was going to say. I didn't know what she would say. The next thirty seconds were completely up in the air. But I knew I had to see her face, had to meet her gaze. I had to touch her arm to make sure she was real. Suddenly I wasn't sleepy anymore.

I strode toward the cafeteria.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter Six

" _Jesus fucking Christ, Piper. This is my fucking job." I watched as Alex hurriedly reached around me to grab her phone from the nightstand. "That's all it is."_

" _You were flirting with her," I knew I was whining but I didn't care. It had been a year and I still hated how she had to scout for new mules on occasion. It was supposed to be Fahri's job, he and Kubra had agreed but every once in a while Kubra liked to have Alex hunt for new blood herself. I fucking hated it. She never scouted when she was with me because she was insistent that our private life was our own (especially after Bali) and for that I was grateful. I'd over hear her on the phone instead. Her voice was like honey and every now and then I'd catch a soft laugh and low, lucid tones from behind the bedroom door. My chest ached when I heard that laugh she usually only reserved for me._

" _It's all part of the game," Alex sighed, running a hand through her hair. "We've been over this a million times." She was exasperated and that pissed me off. She knew, she fucking knew, I couldn't stand being spoken to like I was a child. A stupid child at that. "I have to get them interested, Pipes. If I have to flirt a little to do that, then that's what I have to do."_

 _"You're going to go dressed like that?" I flopped backward on the bed. I wasn't an idiot. I knew my girlfriend was hot. I knew people were bound to stare. I just didn't want her to go and meet a potential mule, who more than likely was attractive, wearing a shirt so tight it looked like it was painted on and leather fucking pants. If I hadn't been in such a pissy mood, I would have ripped her clothes off and shown her exactly what it was she'd be missing if she were to leave right now._

 _Alex stopped dead in her tracks. "What, Piper? Do you think I'm going to fuck her?"_

 _I should have said No, that I trusted her. I should have said I was crazy jealous. I should have grabbed her and kissed her senseless so that she would stay._

 _Instead, I said nothing._

 _"Well, that's my answer," she said quietly and as I met her eyes, I could see she was hurt. "You don't trust me at all, do you? After a year with me…you think I'd fucking cheat on you?" She shook her head. "Unfucking believable." She picked up her purse and slung it over her shoulder without looking at me."Don't wait up."_

 _The door slam echoed through the empty apartment and I winced._

 _It was nearly midnight when I decided I'd had enough moping around. I had called Polly around my fifth or sixth shot of tequila and begged her to come out with me. She'd asked if I was OK and the concern in her voice only served to further infuriate me._

 _"Why does everyone insist on treating me like a baby?" I slurred indignantly, "I know what I'm doing, OK?"_

 _"I don't think you're a baby, Piper. I think your girlfriend is being a cunt and I'm worried about you."_

 _"Yeah, well, I'm going out, with or without you." I pressed the end button and tossed the phone on the sofa._

 _I peeled off my sweats and managed to slink into the shortest and most form fitting black dress I owned, never returned to my college roommate. I tugged my hair out of its messy ponytail and shook it upside down to mess it up it just enough to look like I put in some effort._

 _"Fuck it," I said to my reflection in the full length closet mirror. Teetering in my heels, I managed to make it to the elevator and downstairs where I let the doorman hail me a cab._

 _Our favorite bar was in the West Village. We liked it because it was unassuming and the drinks were strong and cheap. The place was tiny, so tiny that your elbows brushed whoever was waiting for their drink next to you. It was pretty much a dive and while not a lesbian bar, per say, hosted more than a few pretty girls on any given night._

 _"Can I buy you a drink?" I turned to see a woman on the side of me. She was attractive enough with blonde ringlets and wide set blue eyes. I could feel her gaze sweep over my body, her eyes resting on my cleavage. Normally, I would have blushed but I moved closer to her, the sting of Alex's rejection still fresh in my mind._

 _"Tequilia shot." I said to the bartender, giving him a lopsided smile._

 _"I'll have the same." She turned toward me. "So I can't buy a beautiful girl a drink and not know her name."_

" _Piper," I extended my hand for her to shake and she took it, giggling._

 _"So formal," she teased, squeezing my hand a little bit longer than necessary. "I'm Jackie."_

 _"Nice to meet you." I lifted up the shot glass the bartender had placed in front of me and clinked it against hers. "Cheers."_

 _My mind flashed to the first time I had met Alex in a bar, slightly nicer than this one. The night my life had changed forever. No, don't do this, I chastised myself. Don't fucking think about her. She doesn't give a shit how upset you are so why should you care? Would I ever come first with her? The sad reality was that I probably wouldn't._

 _I turned toward Jackie, forcing a smile. "Wanna do another shot?"_

 _Four or five shots later (I had lost count), Jackie, who worked in accounting at some big wig law firm whose name I had forgotten immediately after she told me, was only slightly less boring. Still she was there, flirting. She was showing me attention and that was what I was so desperately craving._

 _At some point, she was teaching me to play pool, her arms wrapped around my waist in an effort to "point my cube correctly," (her words). Her arms felt foreign and all wrong. This whole thing was all wrong but my own girlfriend had slammed the door and left me alone while she went out to seduce some bitch she'd never even met in person. My own girlfriend…_

 _Was standing right in front of me._

" _Let's go, Piper," Her voice was dangerously low and as I lifted my head to look at her, I could see the anger flashing in her green orbs. I had never, in all the time we'd been together seen her so pissed. She was staring at Jackie like she was going to pounce at any minute, her eyes sweeping from the other woman's arms snaked around my middle to my dress that barely covered my ass and then focused on the wall behind us. It suddenly dawned on me. My tall, gorgeous girlfriend, who could have had her pick of anyone she wanted, was jealous. She was jealous of Jackie, who was exciting as watching paint dry. The realization simultaneously shocked me and turned me on and then just as quickly, I felt my ire rage again. What right did she have to be jealous of anyone? She was the one who chose to walk out that door._

 _"I'm not going anywhere," I moved out of Jackie's grasp. "We're in the middle of a game."_

 _"You heard her," The woman tried to gallantly intervene._

 _"I don't give a shit," Alex replied flatly. "This is between my girlfriend and I." She took me by the arm and led me to the alley way of the club._

 _"What the fuck, Al," I hissed, yanking my arm back. "I'm not your teenage daughter sneaking out in the middle of the night."_

 _"You could have fooled me," she countered, pacing back and forth. "What the hell were you thinking, going to this shithole at one o'clock in the morning, in that?" She pointed to my dress. "Oh right, you weren't."_

 _"How did you even find me?"_

 _Alex moved her glasses to the top of her head and rubbed her eyes. "I called Holly. Polly, whatever."_

 _"You did what?" I asked incredulously._

 _"You weren't answering your fucking phone." She reached in her pocket and handed it to me. "I was worried so I called her and she said she had talked to you earlier and you were like really shitfaced and you said you were going out but you didn't say where."_

 _"And you knew I'd come here?"_

 _"I had a feeling," She sighed. "Dammit, Piper. I don't know why you didn't believe me in the first place. I didn't fuck her. Or anyone else. I love you, you idiot. If you could get your goddamn head out of your ass for one fucking minute, you'd see that."_

 _"What am I supposed to do? Wait around while you go flirt and show your perfect tits off because it's in your job description?" My words had a bite but I was slowly feeling the anger dissipate as she drew closer to me._

 _"Is that what this was about?" Alex was in my personal space now and I could feel the heat from her breath touch my face. "All of this," she gestured, "was to make me jealous?"_

 _Her breasts brushed against mine, her erect nipples straining through her thin t-shirt. I tried to stifle a moan but she was making me so incredibly wet and she knew it._

 _"Did it work?" I groaned as she leaned forward and clamped her lips down on the most sensitive part of my neck, suckling the skin there as I began to become completely undone._

 _"No." She said against my throat and the need for her to fuck me was outweighing everything else I felt._

 _"You wanna know why I'm not jealous, Pipes?" She had me pinned against the wall of the alley, my lower back scraping against the rough brick, grasping the insides of my wrists so hard I know I'd have bruises the next day._

 _"Hmmm?" I murmured. My body was on fire from the alcohol and from Alex's touch, her fingers warm against my pulse points and then her mouth, replacing her hands, running her teeth lightly over the veins in my wrists._

 _She cupped my breast in her hand, pinching the nipple ever so slightly. I was about to beg her to take me, all my dignity was out the window. I was dripping now and there was only so much more I could take…_

 _"Because you're mine," Her voice was ragged. "Mine." She yanked up my dress and shoved two fingers inside of me. "Mine," she said as she thrusted wildly. "All mine," I felt myself unravel as I began to ride the crest of my orgasm. "Say it, Piper."_

 _"I'm yours, Alex."_

 _And I came hard, her name on my lips._

"Earth to Chapman," I felt my face redden as I returned to the present. Of all the memories, I had no clue why that one had popped into my head. Since I had found out Alex was OK, I was bombarded with every detail of our relationship, the good and the bad. I had remembered it all wrong though. I was definitely not the innocent victim I'd played myself off to be, to Larry and to my parents and to Al herself. I had been manipulative. I had played games, stupid fucking games that had almost cost Alex her life.

I forced myself to focus on Morello's voice. "Sorry, I think I zoned out there for a minute. You were saying?"

She smiled kindly. "I was sayin', you must be real excited Vause is comin' back today. You two have lots to talk about."

I didn't want to hurt her feelings by telling her the best thing for Alex to do was to stay far away from me. She was really the only one who would talk to me after the whole panty business debacle. The others had been momentarily kind while I thought Alex was hurt and then turned their backs when they got news she was fine. Even Red was acting as if yesterday hadn't happened at all, as if she hadn't taken care of me just the night before. It was fine, I didn't deserve their pity or understanding.

I moved my fork through my thoroughly unappetizing plate of cold scrambled eggs. I hadn't eaten anything in two days and the food they served certainly was not helping me regain my appetite. I nodded absently to Morello's inquiry and appeased for the time being, she went on about everyone getting shots for going into Freedom Lake and how lucky they were that Caputo had been ordered to keep the incident hush hush to avoid bad press or else the whole prison would be in the SHU right about now. Then she started on about her new husband and I tuned her out.

Suddenly the entire table went silent (not that anyone besides Morello was speaking to me anyway). I turned my head to see what they were looking at. The tiny girl entered first and I couldn't help but smile as I took in Nicky, skinny as hell but grinning widely, her hair bigger than life itself. Morello shrieked and jumped up from our table to fling her arms around her, ignoring the warning shouted by the guard on duty.

Then I caught a glimpse of her, trailing in not too far behind.

Alex. I felt my eyes water and I forced myself to look. She had a black eye, her wrist was bandaged up and she looked utterly exhausted but…she was alive. She was alive and whole and standing there.

Our eyes met and I saw something flicker in hers, something I recognized and she began to walk toward me.

 _Fuck_ , I self-consciously put my hand on Trust No Bitch so that she wouldn't see it as she moved closer.

My breath started to hitch. The walls of the cafeteria were closing in. I didn't know what to do. So I did the only thing I could.

I bolted.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter Seven

Alex's POV

"Go after her," Nicky mouthed to me over Morello's shoulder. She arched her eyebrows toward the door and I abruptly picked my jaw up off the floor and proceeded to follow her advice.

After having witnessed some insane shit in my life, I thought there was nothing left that could surprise me. Until Piper's reaction to me walking into the cafeteria. Her completely losing her shit when she saw me again after five years didn't even register on my radar of shock compared to this. I didn't know what I expected her to do when I came through that door. Hug me? Tell me she was glad I was alive? Fuck, I would have even accepted it if she told me she was sorry Aydin hadn't slit my fucking throat and spit in my face. But that? Her looking as though she'd seen a ghost and running away had totally thrown me for a loop. I had to know what she was thinking. I had seen the terror in her eyes and it took my breath away.

It didn't take long for me to find her and when I did, I had to choke back a gasp. She was so fucking pale. I mean, the girl was always pale but she was the color of a sheet. Under her eyes were dark circles and her beautiful hair, hair I had always loved to curl around my index finger was tangled and unwashed _. Pipes_ , I wanted to cry out. _What the fuck is going on?_

She was on the phone and I pressed up against the wall, hidden from view. She was speaking so softly that I could just manage to make out snippets of the one sided conversation.

"No, Cal," Piper said, twisting the phone wire with her free hand. "I'm done. You can do whatever you want, but I'm out. I'm going to…yeah, I know." She sighed and rubbed her eyes wearily. "I can't anymore. " I watched her wipe tears from her cheeks. "It already cost me too much."

She hung up the phone and I felt my chest ache. I could never stand to see her cry. No matter how much she hurt me, I saw one tear and all I wanted to do was hold her. The fierce protectiveness rose up in me and I wanted all her pain to go away. It had been like that from the beginning.

"Pipes," I said quietly, stepping out of my hiding spot. I tentatively moved closer to her. "You look like shit." Maybe I wouldn't win points for honesty but then again, beating around the bush was never my strong suit.

"Charmer." She countered humorlessly. "You shouldn't be here, Alex."

"Alive? In prison?" I shrugged. "Here I am."

"Here. Talking to me." She looked down at the floor. "You almost got killed."

"I'm OK, Pipes. Look at me. I'm a little beat up but…you of all people should know I wouldn't go down without one hell of a fight. Didn't you hear, I killed that asshole. Kubra knows I'm not going to be easy to snuff out."

"Alex…why are you doing this?"

"Doing what, Piper? I just wanted you to see with your own eyes that I'm fine." My voice softened and I reached out to touch her forearm. "And I wanted to make sure you're OK too. I know I probably scared the shit out of you."

She jumped as if she'd been burned and yanked her arm away from me. "Don't you do that. Don't you fucking act like this whole mess isn't my fault. You're constantly absolving me of all the shitty stuff I do to you but this time," She said lowly, aware of a guard nearby," this time you are not allowed to just forget what I did."

"Piper—"

"No," She put her hand up. " _I_ got you sent back here in the first place. _I_ put you in danger. _I_ didn't fucking believe you when you said Kubra was going to send someone in here to kill you. _I_ kissed Stella and I lied to you about it. _I_ let all this stupid, stupid shit get to my head." She was shaking but she backed away from me so that I couldn't touch her even if I wanted to. "You told me once before that I needed to take accountability for my own actions, so I am. This is all on me, Alex. All of it."

Once upon a time, I would have lived and breathed to hear Piper lay it all down like that. To admit, for once in her life, she was wrong and that she had hurt me beyond repair when she'd left in Paris and again when she picked Larry over me. I would told anyone who would've listened that Piper Chapman had finally come to her senses and saw what an arrogant, self-absorbed bitch she could be. Now, though, I took no joy in her confession.

All I felt was sad.

Her blue eyes locked with mine and they were totally devoid of light. I saw nothing but pools of emptiness and I felt hot tears prick the corner of my eyelids.

"Please," I said. "Please, Pipes. Let's not stand here and play the blame game. Don't you think we've done enough of it to last a fucking lifetime?" I reached out to cup her chin when the guard had stepped over to address another inmate. She didn't pull away and somewhere within her blankness, I could see a flicker of something. It was small but it was there.

"Can you honestly say you forgive me?" Piper questioned, her gaze never leaving mine. "For everything? Abandoning you when your Mom died, getting you sent back here? Not believing you? _Cheating?_ " It was if she was baiting me to get angry, to tell her to fuck off.

I was silent.

"I thought so," She stepped away from me. "I'm glad you're alive," Piper whispered and turned to leave.

All the air deflated from my lungs as I watched her walk away. " _Fuck."_


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter Eight

Over the next few weeks, I learned it was entirely possible to shut myself off. I kept my mouth shut. I minded my own business. I didn't make asshole comments. I didn't make _any_ comments. News traveled fast that I'd called it quits on the business and I'd intended it to do exactly that which is why I'd let Boo know directly, confident she'd tell everyone for me. They would all get access to the money (Flaca included) and Cal would see to it. I had no fears that anyone would talk because my ass wouldn't be the only one who'd land in the SHU if anyone found out.

It was undoubtedly Nicky's doing that the others started treating me like a person again. I caught her talking to a small group in the rec room one day and they looked over toward me with pity in their eyes as I pretended not to notice. They began acknowledging me, trying to include me in things. Even Red went so far as to slip me extra food. "Too skinny," she'd muttered, her arms crossed, nodding at one of her kitchen workers to put another piece of cornbread on my plate.

The damage had already been done though and there was nothing anyone could do. So I went through the motions. I got up, I got dressed, I spoke when I was spoken to, I nodded absently at Nicky's woes or Morello's chatter, I sat at meals and forced myself to choke down a few bites and when the day ended, I stared at the wall until I fell asleep. I forced myself to stop thinking of her, of how my heart had pounded when she'd come into the cafeteria, how my first instinct was to run to her and take her in my arms and refuse to let her go.

She kept her distance but I could feel her eyes on me. Nicky didn't waste much time letting me know that Alex had asked her to keep tabs on me so she could know where I was.

"She thinks they're gonna come after you," She'd told me one day, stopping by my cube. I had turned over to face her but I said nothing. "She doesn't give a shit about herself even though there's not extra security around like Caputo fuckin' promised." She shook her curly mane ruefully and sat down on my bed though I hadn't invited her. "You know what I don't get? How come you two assholes can't get it together already? Vause worships the ground you walk on and I know somewhere in there, you gotta love her too, or else you wouldn't look like Angelina fuckin' Jolie in Girl Interrupted right now." Nicky sighed. "I used to think you just got off on playing the sick game you guys played with each other but now…Look, Chapman, she almost got taken out. If that's not a giant wake up call, then I don't know what the fuck is. You can't just let her go." She looked down at her hands then and I immediately knew who she was thinking of.

If I had actually wanted to converse, I would have told her she was one to talk but I didn't. I didn't feel like talking about my feelings. I didn't want to talk about Alex. I didn't want to talk. Period, end of story. I wanted to finish up my time and keep my scars covered. All of them.

The truth of the matter was of course I loved her. I'd never stopped, not when I left her in Paris, not ever. But as much as I loved her I knew I was toxic to her, that we were toxic together. And nothing assured me of that more than when I put her in a predicament where she almost lost her life.

I liked to hide out in the bathroom when things got to be too much. It was when the shame would settle deep into the center of my chest, making it hard to breathe properly and memories of our life together would get stuck on fucking repeat in my head. I'd go in there and tuck myself away and it was still and quiet. The knowledge that the gun I had used to give myself a tattoo (I wouldn't think about Stella) was hidden away in a recess in the wall comforted me. I wasn't going to use it but I remembered that white hot ache that stretched across my ribcage as the needle drove into my flesh. I remembered the actual tangible pain, pain I'd undoubtedly deserved and the thought I could feel that again if I wanted to calmed the terror, silenced the memories, at least temporarily.

It was one such night, I was alone. Everyone was watching some movie in the common room so I had the bathroom to myself. I chose to chisel away at Trust No Bitch, something I had been doing for weeks. Maybe I couldn't remove it completely but bit by bit I had scratched the shit out of it with a jagged fingernail, leaving it scarred and mottled. I wasn't satisfied until I had drawn blood. Then I heard the footsteps.

"Piper?" The voice was panicked and I turned quickly, rolling my thermal down over my arm sloppily. "What the fuck are you doing?"

I shifted my gaze downward. _Goddammit, I thought I was alone. I should have fucking known better._ "Nothing."

"It's not fucking nothing," Alex insisted and before I could move away, she had yanked up my sleeve. "Jesus, Pipes," She drew in a sharp intake of breath as she stared at the mess on my arm. "What is—"

"A mistake," I jerked out of her grasp. "A mistake I'm trying to get rid of."

Her green eyes were full of concern and of something else. Well, fuck that. I didn't need anyone else's pity, especially not hers. I had fucked her over so badly and she was feeling sorry for me?

"That looks infected, kid." Alex's voice softened but I could detect a hint of panic underneath. She was trying to keep me calm, a tactic she had used many, many times before. "You need to go to the infirmary."

"You shouldn't care," I said flatly.

"You can't tell me not to fucking care!" The gentle tone was gone as quickly as it had come and she shook her head. "That's the stupidest fucking thing I've ever heard."

"Why are you even here? You're worried Kubra is going to come after me?" I laughed hollowly. "Wake up, Alex. I would _welcome_ him killing me at this point. I have nothing left to lose. "

Tears filled her eyes. "You're stupider than I thought you were, Pipes. Yes, I fucking care. I fucking care if your arm falls off and I fucking care if someone is going to come after you. Don't you get it by now?" She was letting the tears fall and I was momentarily thrown. I had only seen her cry twice in all the time we'd been together. "I love you, you moron. None of this other shit matters. Not anymore."

I wanted to go to her. I wanted her to be right. Hell, I just _wanted_. But it was all wrong. She was all wrong. I hurt her, she forgave me and it was one big vicious cycle. L _ethergolethergolethergo_ , The voice in my head screamed at me.

"You want to blame yourself for all this, that's fine," She walked toward me and I ended up backing into the sink, trapped. "But technically, this is _my_ fault. I was the drug dealer, Piper. I got you involved in this. I was the one who asked you to carry that bag. I was pissed so I named you. So really," she put both hands on my shoulders forcing me to look her in the eye, "this is just as much my fault as it yours. So we're fucking even."

As it always happened when she was in close proximity, my body started to betray me. My heart pounded and my knees grew weak. I stared at her full lips and I knew all too well how delicious they tasted.

Alex seemed to sense this betrayal and leaned up to speak lowly into my ear. "I don't have to fully forgive you to love you like fucking crazy. We're human. The both of us. We make mistakes." She ghosted her lips against the sensitive skin of my earlobe and I shivered. "I can't live without you, OK? And I don't want to."

Something switched off in me then. I was so close to giving in to how I felt, so very close. How I wished I could just let her love me…

I pushed her back gently. "You called me brave. Do you remember that? I told you no one had ever said that about me." I shook my head. "But I'm not brave, Alex. I ran out on you, more than once. How do you know I won't do it again? How do you know?"

She looked deeply into my eyes and breathed in, resting her forehead against mine. "Because I know."

"Yeah, well I don't know. I can't keep hurting you. I love you but I'm fucked up. I'm so fucked up, Al, and I don't know how not to be." I was saying these words and I wanted to cry but I couldn't feel a damn thing. "I don't know how to love anyone." I lifted up my sleeve and brought my arm to her face. "I'm nothing but a fucking coward, Alex."

"Piper, please—"

"I love you so much but I am fucking _terrified._ And you don't deserve that."

And I left her there, pale and shaken. I left her again.

It was what I was good at.

 _Authors Note:_

 _I want to thank everyone for their reviews, follows, favorites and overall positive reactions! This story is taking on a life of its own and I'm so excited to continue! Love you all!_


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter Nine

" _You're still going to leave? Right no_ _w?" Alex's tear stained face etched itself in my brain, flashing behind my eyes every time I closed them. She looked like a child then and I knew that when she'd lost Diane, she'd lost everything. And then she had lost me too._

 _I stirred my drink and shifted in the hard leather seat uncomfortably. I had gotten home at two thirty in the morning and Polly had picked me up at the airport. I knew that she was smugly satisfied that I had finally left "supercunt" as she'd so lovingly called her on more than one occasion when she'd indulged in one too many vodka tonics. Thank God she'd refrained from gloating because if I had heard one utterance of "I told you so", on the ride back to her place, I probably would have jumped out of the car. Being my best friend for so long, though, Pol thankfully knew when to keep her mouth shut. And I refused to offer any details._

 _Now I sat in a stuffy bar on the Upper West side not drinking the margarita I'd ordered in a sad attempt to avoid going to the apartment to get my things. It wasn't as if there was a chance of running into Alex. I knew she was in Bedford, handling funeral arrangements because she had sent me a perfunctory text a few hours prior telling me as much. It was concise and very cold and I didn't even deserve that small courtesy, really._

 _I wondered if she was at the funeral now, watching her mother get lowered into the ground. I pictured her standing graveside shivering and alone and I bit down on my lower lip so hard I tasted blood. I had only met Diane once, six months after we started dating and she was pretty and sweet. She and Alex had an easy, loving banter, a stark contrast to my relationship with my mother. Alex had been adorably sheepish in bringing me to visit, mentioning on the drive down her mother had been driving her up a wall requesting to meet me. She'd cooked us a huge dinner, which Alex had complained was unnecessary but I could tell she loved the attention. We'd chatted easily and afterwards we'd made love in her childhood bedroom, giggling and shushing each other the entire time._

 _My cell phone vibrated next to me and I nearly jumped out of my skin. Alex, I thought, my heart thudding wildly, but it was Polly, asking if I'd changed my mind about wanting her to come with me to the old place. I quickly texted back that no, I hadn't changed my mind, I was fine and that I would call her later. Selfishly, the last thing I wanted was for Polly to be in the space Alex and I had shared together, making snarky comments and touching the things that she had touched. It seemed like an invasion of privacy and I'd already hurt her enough._

 _I kept telling Polly I was fine. My parents thought I had simply finished traveling and come back to New York and that I was fine. Hell, I even told myself I was fine, that I had done what I had to do, but the truth was, I wasn't fucking fine. I had cried the entire 7 and a half hour flight home. I had shattered the person I loved, I could literally see her heart breaking into fucking pieces when I told her yes, I was sorry the person she loved more than anything in the world just died, I was still going to go. How could I be fine?_

 _Yet it was so easy to paint her as the villain, to put the entirety of the blame on her and the business and her choices. Sure, that was a part of it but not all of it. It was convenient to say it was all her fault, and it was easy to get pissy that she had hidden my passport. I could pretend I thought she was being a bitch when we both knew she desperately wanted to fix things. Getting angry was the more convenient alternative to facing the real reason I was running with my tail between my legs._

 _Throwing down money for my drink, I managed to quickly hail a cab outside the bar and headed downtown. The apartment was dark and silent when I arrived and I realized that when I left for the last time today, I should probably leave my key. I flicked on the lights and I could tell by the immaculate order of the house and the fresh smell of lemons that the cleaning lady had been by. That made me smile slightly. We weren't particularly fastidious in keeping the house neat and tidy but Al had always insisted on cleaning up before our housekeeper showed up, a fact I teased her about._

 _The bedroom door was ajar and I hesitated before going in. I kind of dreaded seeing all of our memories in one place;pictures from the places we'd traveled together, the furniture I dragged her to pick out, paintings we'd bought. I entered the room and sat down on our bed, no, not ours, I had to remind myself. Immediately, my throat clenched. The picture on the nightstand was one of my favorites. We were in Java, standing in front of a huge waterfall; my arms snaked around Alex's waist. We were tanned and relaxed and just…happy. I stared at the picture for what seemed like an eternity, transfixed at the way our smiles were frozen in time. I wanted to be back there, back in that moment, away from all the shit and all the heartbreak. Shit, this was not the reason I was here. Why was I here? What the fuck was so important, anyway? My clothes, a fucking toothbrush? I hadn't even brought any boxes with me._

 _So I decided to do instead what I should have done when I left. I decided to tell her the whole cowardly fucking truth. The one I was too chicken shit to say to her face to face. Grabbing a piece of paper from the stationery I kept in the nightstand, I headed back into the living room, sat at the dining room table and began to write._

 _Dear Alex,_

 _First, I wanted to say I know how completely and utterly fucked up this is, me leaving you like that. I never meant to hurt you. I know how much you loved your Mom and how much she loved you. I also know that you needed me and I let you down and for that, I am so incredibly sorry._

 _I've always been really good at pinning the blame on other people when things fail. Yes, I think that the business is taking over the good things in your life and yes, there were many times I felt abandoned and even used. I know that you don't think of me as a drug mule because you've never treated me like that but that's just how I felt. I want you to know that isn't the whole reason I left, Alex, why I had to leave. The fact of the matter is, we could have worked things out if we really wanted to. We have before._

 _No, the truth is (and I owe you that much, the truth) is that I love you so fucking much that it scares the shit out of me. It's bigger than me and these feelings…they're too much. I keep worrying that one day something is going to go horribly wrong and I'm going to get a phone call from Fahari telling me that you're dead. And what about my parents? Eventually, I'd have to tell them about us and I don't know what I'd say. I'm not brave like you, Al, I never have been._

 _I feel like I've been running scared my entire life and this is no exception. I can tell myself that this is a phase, something I was trying on for size, I can go back to who I was before I met you; nice, boring, safe Piper. And I know I will be lying to myself and to everyone else. But I can't look back, Alex, I can't wonder what would happen if I stayed, if I wasn't such a fucking coward. This has to be it._

 _Causing you this pain was the last thing I ever wanted to do and I understand if you hate me. I don't expect you to understand but please, please know that even though I have to close the door on this part of my life, I will never forget how much I love you, how much I still love you. How could I?_

 _I wish things could be different, Al. And maybe if we were different people, under different circumstances, they could be. My only wish for you is to find happiness because that's what you deserve._

 _Love,_

 _Piper_

 _Satisfied, I put the pen down and wiped my eyes. A letter couldn't possibly undo the damage I'd done or heal the hurt I'd caused but it gave me some momentary relief, even if she would never read it. I folded the paper into a tiny square and shoved it into the pocket of my jeans. I turned out the lights and with a single look back, I closed the door._

Staring down at the pages in my hands, I couldn't help but smile ruefully. Not much had changed since then. I was still hurting people I claimed to care about, still running scared. Only this time, I could catch myself before I fucked up anymore. For once in my life, I could do the right thing, the thing Celeste said would cause the least amount of pain. My Grandmother was a wise woman.

I had kept the letter all these years, tucked into the back jacket of Leaves of Grass. I had asked Larry to mail me some books when I'd first been sentenced and he did, unknowing what had been inside that particular one. (I wasn't worried about him snooping. It was unlikely Larry would read Whitman). I hadn't been tempted to dig it out once, even though I always knew it was there. That chapter of my life had been sealed shut and I was content with that until the day I'd seen that exquisite, smirking face and before I knew it, I was completely out of control again and we were spiraling down that same fucked path of hurting each other.

Something gave me pause and I sat up in my bunk. Maybe it wouldn't fix the scars. Maybe it wouldn't fix fucking anything but suddenly, I has a need for her to know. I wanted her to know what I left, even if it was too late.

I shoved the letter in an envelope and hurriedly scribbled Alex on the front. Mercifully, she was out of her cube and I placed the letter on her bed and under the pillow, leaving only a corner sticking out so that she could see it.

Now I waited.


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter Ten

 _The midday sun glistened off her long, lean body and I bit my lip. She was on her stomach, reading a novel and pretty much in her own little world but on the plus side; I had a nice view of her ass, barely covered by the tiny red bikini bottom._

 _Oh, you wanna ignore me, huh? I thought wickedly. Well, we'll see about that. Teasingly, I ran my hand down her side, scraping my nails over the supple skin. That garnered a little throat clearing but clearly, it wasn't enough. Grinning, I scooted down and pressed a kiss to her hipbone, licking the spot where her thigh began and her bathing suit bottom ended. I could taste the salt of her skin and the faint aura of coconut oil. A soft sigh escaped her lips and I knew I had gotten her._

 _"If you're trying to get my attention," Piper put down her book and raised her eyebrows in mock annoyance, "it worked."_

 _"Good," I flipped her over onto her back and positioned myself on top of her, capturing her lips with my own. Our tongue met and Piper moaned as I nipped at her lower lip. As the kiss deepened, I felt her hesitation. We'd made love on the private beach many, many times without worry so I wondered what was up._

 _"What is it?" I pulled her up into a sitting position so I could look at her. Shit. Her eyes were darting back and forth, something they always did when she was nervous. Something was wrong._

 _"Nothing, I'm fine." She kissed me quickly and I knew she was lying. She was a terrible liar, always had been._

 _"C'mon, Pipes, it's not nothing, you can tell me."_

 _"Ok, uh, it's just that we've been together for over a year now and…doesn't it bother you that no one in my life knows about us? Aside from Polly. And by that I mean, my family."_

 _Damn, she was nervous and even though I usually teased her about being neurotic about everything, I could tell she was really uncomfortable even mentioning her thoughts. We never talked about her family much and I only knew them to be really uptight, except for Cal, her younger brother._

 _I shrugged. "I think when you're ready to tell them about us, you will."_

 _"But what if I'm like, never ready?" she blurted, running sand through her fingers. "They're starting to ask questions, Al. They think I live with Polly. I really don't know what to say to them."_

 _She wanted answers but I had none to give. I was who I was and if someone didn't like me, zero fucks were given but Piper…she cared about people's opinions of her, Mommy and Daddy Chapman, especially. From what she'd told me, her mother was especially critical of all aspects of her life and beyond a shadow of a doubt, neither of them would have approved of me. It didn't bother me that her family didn't know. Not that I completely agreed with her hiding who she was but I also in no way thought just because I chose to label myself, everyone should be comfortable enough to follow suit. Piper was with me. She held my hand when we walked down the street, she kissed me on the L train when we had to say goodbye, and she was my girlfriend, in every aspect. That was what was important. That was all that mattered._

 _"Babe," I reached out to touch her wild blond locks, "I want you to listen to me, OK? You can tell them two weeks from now. You can tell them two months from now. We could run away to the ends of the earth and you could never tell them. It's fine. All of it is totally fine. I don't need anybody's approval to know that you love me." I looked into her endless ocean eyes then and damn, if they didn't get me every time. Everything I needed to know about that girl, I could find out in those eyes. The level of intensity I saw in them scared me at first. There was such blinding trust in her gaze and me being me, worried I'd let her down someday, that inevitability, I would hurt her. Then I figured shit out. I thought if she was going to put that much faith in me then I'd sure as hell better not fuck up._

 _I took her face in my hands, stroking her jawline with the pads of my thumbs. "Does that answer your question?"_

 _She kissed me softly and although I could feel the tenderness in it, I felt something else, something that took me aback._

 _It was sadness._

 _"What gives, beautiful?" I tried to sound casual but the way she had kissed me had scared me. It had almost felt like a goodbye._

 _"Do we have to keep talking about this?"_

 _"No, we don't," I interlaced our fingers, "but clearly, you still have stuff you want to say, so…"_

 _"Well," she broached carefully and my heart sank at the way she said that single word, "Well,"" What if I can never tell them, even if I want to. I don't want to hide you forever but my parents, they're not like Diane. They'd never accept that their daughter is in love with another woman. What if that's not something…"she hedged, "What if that's not something I want, to have to live this like, double life?"_

 _I swallowed past the gigantic lump forming in my throat and forced myself to look at her. "Then that's a decision you have to make."_

 _Piper pulled me down into the soft, pink sand with her, taking me by surprise, into her arms. "I wish we could stay here, just like this. Forever."_

 _I laid tiny, intricate kisses into the crown of her hair. "Just say the word, Pipes, and we can. We don't ever have to go back to the States, you know. I can conduct my business from anywhere, Kubra told me that a long time ago. I mean, I'd still have to travel but we can make a home wherever we want."_

 _I felt her sigh into my neck. "We can't hide forever, Alex. It sounds really, really nice but the truth is going to get us eventually. It always does."_

 _I didn't like the way she was talking, like she was ready to up and leave at any moment. Fuck, I couldn't hear anymore. So I silenced her and my own fears the only way I knew how._

 _"Piper," I whispered into the hollow of her throat and she shivered, the shivers changing into moans as I suckled on the sensitive skin there. Her moans grew louder still, her body reacting immediately as it always did when I touched her. Her back arched as I swept my lips down to her bikini top, yanking it down with my teeth and drawing her nipple into my mouth._

 _"I love you," I murmured as I made her forget what we were talking about in the first place and we lost ourselves in each other, as we tended to do._

I stared down at the page, the letters blurring slightly as I took off my glasses to wipe my eyes. Fuck, that letter…it changed things _. Piper, Piper, Piper_ , my head and my heart called out. I had needed this, even if I hadn't known it. It was there, in black and white, the whole truth, not the deluded bullshit she'd laid on me when I'd gotten here. It all made sense now, why she'd left in the first place, why she'd taken up with Larry and later picked him and broke my fucking heart all over again. It even, in a screwed up way, explained the Stella thing. She was scared shitless back then too. It didn't excuse what she'd done because yes, it had fucking hurt, all of it, but scared I could get. I understood what it was like to be terrified of everything. Scared was what she knew and at the time, I wanted to hate her for it, that she had been too emotionally needy to see how fucking scared I was that Kubra was gunning for me, but now I knew. I knew everything.

My hands shook and I was suddenly grateful to be alone in the cube. Piper had never stopped loving me. That was a fucking revelation in and of itself because I had blamed myself for a long time when she left. I was unlovable and she was right, my job was ruining us. Maybe I was still that sad, scared little girl Jessica Wedge and all those other bitches tortured. Maybe she decided I wasn't worthy of her love, of anyone's love. Those thoughts haunted me for years, present in everything I did. But I was holding the proof in my hand, Piper's truth from eight years ago that she had never given me. Yes, I was a manipulative bitch and she was a narcissistic asshole and yes, we were both utterly fucked up, but damn, we just _fit_. And there was no fucking way I was going to let her slip away again.

I knew she needed me because why else had she chosen now to give me that letter? She could talk about how she wanted me to stay away from her until she was blue but she was crying out for my help. I winced, picturing her angry, inflamed tattoo and I feel rage bubbling to the surface. I wanted to fucking kill Carlin when Boo had told me she'd given Piper that thing and I only calmed down when Morello informed me how Pipers got the bitch sent to max. I didn't like a lot of what she'd done to people on her power trip but that, that I could get behind.

A glance at the clock outside the cube told me I couldn't go to her, not yet, that she was at work in electrical (A transfer I'd quickly arranged using my leverage) and she wouldn't be done for at least another hour. I sighed, wishing Birdie was still there. Even though I'd been skeptic al that she could actually help me, at least she'd fucking cared, which was more than I could have said about any of the other assholes that worked at Litchfield. She definitely would have been able to get through to Piper, even if I couldn't. There was no way to get her back. Even my bought silence couldn't bargain for that.

"Vause." A male voice startled me and I looked up to see one of the new guards standing at the door of the cube. "Caputo wants to see you in his office. Now."

My heart pounded and I slid the letter quickly under my pillow. "What about?"

The guard shook his head. "I don't know but whatever it is, it's important."


	11. Chapter 11

"Shit, dude," Nicky swore lowly, shaking her head in disbelief. "I can't believe they're fucking asking you to testify against that asshole again. He's just gonna walk, same as last time."

"They're not exactly asking," I replied dryly. "Caputo was definitely not making it seem like I had a fucking choice."

We sat in the non fiction section of the library, our backs resting against rows of biographies. It was the place where we'd least likely be bothered which was just what I wanted because I was in no mood. I was already on edge and my little meeting with Caputo had only made me more uneasy. I needed to see Piper too but she still had a good twenty minutes left in her shift and it was becoming the longest twenty minutes of my fucking life. Luckily, I'd run into Nicky on the way out of the dickhead's office and sensing something was up, she'd led me into the library to talk.

"He said they were able to link Aydin to Kubra which was what I fucking told them in the hospital. They had to make sure I wasn't bullshitting them, of course and they found out the connection. Since they can pretty much prove Kubra was out for blood when I testified against him the first time..." I trailed off. "They're pretty sure they can get him on attempted murder and then go back and retry him for the other shit. Caputo says the DA thinks with my testimony, they've got him." I shifted uncomfortably. "They've worked out another deal for me. I testify again, I get out. They know I can sue them or whatever for hiring a fucking assassin to work as a guard. They want to cover their own asses, so...I take the stand, my parole violation is forgotten. Another safe house, another shithole apartment...Because we all know how well that all worked out last time."

"Fuck, man, you're not really safe wherever you go," Nicky completed my next thought before I could and I squeezed her shoulder lightly.

"Have I told you I missed you, Nichols?"

She grinned. "Feeling's mutual. So, are you gonna do it?"

I sighed. "I don't really have a choice, do I? I'm fucked if I do, fucked if I don't. As much power as I have, they have more. If I refuse to testify, whose to say they don't lock my ass up in Max? Getting out of here is all well and good but if I'm not safe anywhere then neither is Piper. He knows she's my fucking kryptonite. He'd kill her in a second to send me a message. He's done it before," I winced, remembering Fahari."

"Then why not go after her first? Why did he try to have that fucker go after you directly?"

I shrugged. "Who knows. I stopped trying to figure out Kubra's M.O. years ago." The adreneline coursed through my veins as I let myself imagine if he had in fact gotten to Piper first. "There's no surefire way to keep her safe if I'm out but if he gets put away for good..."I looked to Nicky. "Hey, can I cash in that favor now?"

"Yeah, dude, anytime. I meant what I said," she replied, nodding her unruly head of hair. "Whatta want me to do?"

"That tattoo that she has..."

Nicky put her hand up. "Yeah, which one?"

I blinked. "What do you mean, which one? Obviously not the one from Bali...the fucking crazy shit Carlin gave her...wait, she has another tattoo I don't know about?"

"Uh, yeah. Hey, I only know about it because I ran into her coming from the showers one day. Not that I was looking or anything, but she has an infinity symbol on her ribs. That had to have fucking _hurt_ but she did a decent job. Maybe she should think about being a tattoo artist when she gets out..." Nicky stopped when she realized the kind of look I was giving her. "What?" She batted her eyelashes innocently, "I was just trying to lighten up the situation..."

I couldn't afford to take the time to digest this new information so I plunged on. "Well, I'm talking about the one on her arm, Nichols. That shit looks infected and I'm fucking worried. She won't listen to me about going to medical but maybe if you asked..."

"I mean, I'll try but she doesn't exactly seem like she gives much of a shit about herself these days," Nicky said bluntly.

"I've noticed. I'm all for her being less self-involved but shit, Nicky, it's like she's fading away. If I could just fucking get through to her, talk a little bit of sense into her..." I rubbed the bridge of my nose. I hadn't told her about Piper's letter and the giant mind fuck it was causing me but I was wound up and she knew it.

"Easy tiger, prying eyes and ears here," She warned, bringing a finger to her lips. "So when do you leave?"

"The trial's in two days in it's in New York. That's all I know."

"Shit, talk about short notice, "Nicky rested her head against a book. "That's why you wanna talk to Piper."

 _That, among other things_ , I thought. "Yeah," I said aloud. "I have to tell her to watch her back until I can figure something out."

"Like what? Do you think they're gonna just let her out too, if you said pretty please with a fucking cherry on top? Shit doesn't work like that here, Vause. Believe me."

There was a hint of bitterness in her voice that made me pause. "Speaking of fucked up situations...how're you holding up?"

Nicky didn't let her guard down often, a trait that we shared, but I could see that Morello's marriage was weighing on her., even if she didn't say as much.

She shrugged indifferently but her eyes told a different story. "Eh. It is what it is."

I caught her hand in my mine and gave it a tight squeeze. "Yeah. I know."

She held onto my hand for only a half a minute before she dropped it. "Anyway," she waved dismissively, "Chapman should be just about done by now. Go."

I stood to leave and got half way out of the aisle before I turned to talk over my shoulder. "Nick?"

"Yeah?"

"Thanks."

She smiled. "Don't make it a regular occurrence, Vause. "

Down by the electrical room, I saw some inmates milling about but no Piper. It was odd because even if she'd had a job elsewhere in the prison fixing something, she'd always come back down to return her tools and I'd meet her. Always.

My heart beating heavily, I poked my head inside the room. "Excuse me, uh, Officer Connor," I said, reading the new guard's badge. "I'm looking for an inmate who works here."

The guard regarded me pleasantly. She was young and red-headed, in her mid thirties and pretty in a plain sort of way. She reminded me of Fischer, actually, exceptt she carried herself with more confidence. "Come in, inmate. I don't think we've met yet. You are?"

"Vause," I took her proffered hand and shook it. _She's too nice_ , I thought darkly. _She's not gonna last long around here_.

"Vause," Connor repeated as she began to tidy up. "And who were you looking for?"

I cleared my throat. "Uh, inmate Chapman."

"She a friend of yours, Vause?"

"Uh, yes, Ma'am."

"She never reported for work today," Connor frowned. "Very unlike her. Do me a favor, Vause, would you? Since you say she's a friend of yours. If you see her, please tell her to come find me. I'd rather keep Healy out of this if I can." she leaned in closer to me and looked around at the few inmates within earshot. "You know what I mean?"

"Uh, yes, Ma'am. Will do." I managed to spit out before I wobbled out of the room, the walls beginning to close in on me. My breathing hitched as I tried to process what I had just heard.

Piper not showing up to work didn't make any sense. None. She always showed up, on time, early even. She was punctual to a fault. I used to tease her about it all the time, called her little miss perfect attendance.

Fuck. I braced myself with one hand against the wall as inmates rushed past me., trying to slow my racing heart. Why couldn't I shake the feeling that something was completely, utterly, horribly fucking not right?

I needed to find her.


	12. Chapter 12

I was no stranger to loss. When my mother had died, I felt like someone had punched me in the gut as hard as they could. That loss, the sheer magintude of it had left a huge, gaping hole in my life. I'd lost my father too before I'd ever really had him in the first place and that hurt too, the sad realization that the fantasy of Lee Burley was so much better than the disappointing as fuck reality at what a pathetic piece of shit he turned out to be. And I lost the love of my life in a beautiful, yet cold and impersonal hotel suite in Paris and that loss had made me wish she'd actually, literally broken my heart because it would have hurt a hell of a lot less than watching her turn her back to me and walk out of my life. And I'd lost her again and again and some of it was her fault and some of it was mine and it in the end it didn't matter whose fault it was because it just sucked either way. So much sad shit but somehow, I had made it through OK, somehow I'd ended up on the other side, stronger, more resilient. I could take care of myself, I always had.

But nothing, nothing could prepare for the sheer fucking _emptiness_ that came with the realization that Piper was missing. I was drowning and there was no way to catch my breath and all I could do was fight to struggle to the surface. She was _gone_ and I didn't know where she was and I didn't know if I would find her and that single, terrifying notion was enough to make the edges of my vision go black and the ground below start to sway. I wanted to scream but instead I told Nicky. I told Nicky and she immediately put both her hands on both of my shoulders and looked me in the face. Her gesture steadied me, grounded me and I felt myself relax into the weight of it and it was then that I felt I could let out a deep, strangled breath.

"Whoa, whoa, what do you mean, gone?"

"We can't talk here,"I managed and nodding she led me into the chapel where we sat on the edge of the stage. We were momentarily silent as she waited for me to speak but I was frozen. What could I possibly say that made any sense? I couldn't wrap my own head around it.

"Start from the beginning," She coaxed gently. "Breathe, Vause. Remember to breathe."

"She's fucking gone, Nicky," I blurted, rubbing furiously at my eyes. Maybe if I stopped the tears from coming, it wouldn't be real. "As in I can't find her. I looked everywhere. She's not fucking here and I don't know where she is."

I hated feeling helpless, I hated losing my shit and I really fucking hated crying but Nicky remained unphased. She had seen me at my worst more than once and from what she'd told me before she had become unglued a few times in Max herself. There would be no judgement from her.

"Hey, we're going to find her," She told me firmly, grasping my hands. "If we have to search every inch of this shithole."

I wished I could've shared her confidence. I wished I believed Piper was simply lying low somewhere I hadn't thought of, scared of my reaction to her letter, maybe. Deep down though, I knew something was very, very wrong. Pure, unadulterated fear had settled into my bones and they ached with an uneasiness that I just shouldn't shake.

 _Pull it together, Alex_ , I scolded silently. Coming completely undone now would serve no purpose and it certainly wouldn't help me find her.

"OK," I said shakily, wiping my face and straightening my back. "OK," I repeated, stronger and more clearly. I sounded self-assured, almost confident, like I had a plan. Which I didn't.

"I'm gonna ask around if anyone's seen her," Nicky came to my rescue and once again I was grateful for my friend who seemed to know just what to do and say when I was floundering. "Discreetly. So it won't get back to that asshole Healy or Caputo." She quickly glanced at the clock behind us. "Count's not for another two hours. We're gonna find her. She probably wants to be alone. Hell, maybe she's somewhere giving herself another tattoo."

"Seriously?" I arched an eyebrow toward her derisively. "That's not even fucking funny."

Nicky smirked and clapped me on the back. "Thatta girl. Now let's go."

We left the chapel for the cafeteria where everyone was having lunch. I hung back and watched Nicky as she talked to Boo and Morello, to Black Cindy and Poussey and Taystee, to Diaz, to Flaca and then to Chang and even to Crazy Eyes. I noticed she deliberately avoided Red who watched her suspiciously from behind the line, arms crossed in front of her chest.

"You didn't talk to Red?" I questioned quietly as Nicky slid into the seat next to mine with her tray. "She's Piper's roommate. She may have seen her..." We were out of earshot from the rest of the table as Boo told a loud story.

She shook her head. "Too risky. She's butt buddies with Healy now. We can't risk her opening her trap."

I didn't think Red would say anything to Healy, it wasn't her style, but I didn't say anything. "Well, what did you find out?"

"No one's seen her since breakfast. Some of them wanted to know why, the nosey bitches, so I told them she lost a bet and she owes me money." Nicky furrowed her brow. "Shit, Vause, don't fucking look at me like that."

"There's not that many places to hide here, Nichols, and you know it. "

"OK, then," She folded her hands in front of her. "Let's go over all the possibilities...Stella broke out of Max to get revenge?"I made a face and she sighed. "Alright, unlikely. Lolly?" She questioned and I shook my head.

"She's been in psych since before you came back."

"You don't think she pulled a Tricia, do you? I mean, she's been pretty fucking sad lately."

"No fucking way," I quickly dismissed the idea. "Pipes isn't like that. She never liked to talk about stuff like that, even hypothetically."

Suddenly, a light went off. Piper wasn't hiding. She wasn't even at Litchfield. Someone had her and I knew exactly who it was.

"Kubra," I whispered faintly and I felt a stiff wave of nausea sweep through me.

"Hold the fuck up,"Nicky was incredulous. "You don't think...how the fuck would he get in here again? This place is full of limp dick, piece of shit CO's but do you really think they're all that stupid to fall for the same shit twice? There's no way."

"You don't know Kubra. He can do anything he wants. I've seen him do some insane shit, especially when he's pissed. This was what I was afraid of Nicky," My voice broke and Nicky motioned for the door, knowing where this was headed.

"This is my fucking fault," I said when we had retreated to the safety of Nicky's cube. "I let this happen, Nicky." Delusions were easier than reality and that's what I had been doing the entire time she was missing, entertaining the fucking ridiculous notion that she was somewhere, OK when I knew all along the only real possibility was that he had finally gotten to her.

"He knows I'm testifying against him in two days. That fucker is sending me a loud and clear message. You wanna know why he went straight after me and not Piper? I finally figured it out. Because he wasn't interested in playing games then. He figured it was a quick fix, have Aydin take me out and his problem was solved. Aydin would've disappeared with my body and if there was another trial, I wouldn't be around to testify. He didn't expect me to fight back though. So now," I swiped angrily at my eyes, removing my glasses. "Now he wants to punish me, to fucking torture me so he takes her. He isn't stupid. He knows I could handle whatever he did to me but Piper...he's going to use her to teach me a lesson. It's all part of the big, fucking sadistic game he likes to play. What could hurt me the most? Taking the person I love more than...fuck." I bury my face in the crook of my arm and finally, finally allow myself to lose complete control because it just doesn't matter anymore.

"Alex," Nicky's uncharacteristic use of my first name and the softness in her tone rattled me and all at once I felt her pull me into her arms. I let myself be held but I didn't cry into her shoulder. In fact, I stopped crying all together because letting her comfort me meant that I deserved her pity and I sure as hell did not. He would kill her, that was a fucking given and it was me and only me who allowed it to happen, me who put her in danger the very first time I laid eyes on her, before I'd even opened my mouth. I knew what I did was dangerous, I knew I put myself and anyone who happened to be in my life at risk on a daily fucking basis but I was selfish. I wanted her, I had to have her and in my young, stupid, deluded mind, I thought I could protect her. And why not, right? After all, I was invincible, or so I thought. And as long as she was with me, she was too. Except I was miserably wrong.

"All we have to go on is what you believe happened," Nicky finally released me and studied me closely. "There's no proof to-"

"Kubra doesn't leave behind evidence, " I interrupted. There was a dull, throbbing ache forming at the base of my skull and I shut my eyes tightly. "He sent someone to grab her, they found her when she was alone and vulnerable and they fucking snatched her. I know how he operates and his fucking fingers are all over this. And he gets away with shit like this all the time, trial or not. He's going to torture and then he's going to kill her," My stomach clenched painfully, "And he's going to make sure I know."

Even to my own ears, my voice sounded funny, flat and emotionless. But I knew if I allowed myself to feel another emotion besides utter fucking hatred for Kubra and more importantly for myself, I would just give into the awful empty ache I felt.

"If he has her...what then? If we fucking tell Caputo, we have to prove..."

Nicky trailed off and I looked up to see who had entered the cube and how much they'd heard. I was as always, poised to handle a threat.

Red stood in the doorway, looking as intimidating as ever with her arms crossed in the same manner they had been when she stared at us from behind the line at lunch.

"I know Chapman's missing. You don't have to make up a bull shit story, " The older woman prefaced, coming over to sit in the chair next to Nicky's bunk.

Nicky regarded her. "Why, you know something?" Bridges had been burned between them and Nicky's distrust was glaringly obvious.

"You should've asked me when you were asking everyone else."

"Well, now I'm asking," I spoke up. "What do you know?"

She looked to me and some of the ice melted. "She was going for a run after breakfast today. Before work. Said she hadn't been in awhile but she needed to clear her head."

 _I bet I know why_ , I thought. "Motherfucker!", I exclaimed, pounding my balled up fist into my thigh. "She was fucking alone. I've been trying so hard for her not to be alone and the one fucking time I let my guard down..."

"There's more," Red continued and I could hear a trace of sympathy in her voice. "We had a different delivery driver today that dropped off the boxes of that inedible dogfood. Dark hair, dark eyes...the thing that struck me as strange though was that he didn't keep the bed of the truck open. He would take a box or two out, shut the truck and then open it back up to get more. Who does that, right? Didn't make any sense at the time but then... " She handed me a piece of paper. "This was taped to the bottom of one of the boxes.

"Vause, you have to fucking tell someone. I usally say fuck these assholes but this is over our heads," Nicky implored me.

I ignored her and as my eyes scanned the letter, I felt all the color drain from my face. Red and Nicky both looked to me. "It's all in Turkish."

"You can read Turkish ?" Nicky asked.

"I worked for Kubra for years. I picked it up. I'm a little rusty," I frowned, reading on.

"What else does it say?"

"Sessiz ol, Keep quiet. Show yourself to save her." I looked up. "He has her. She's alive but if I say anything to anyone, he'll kill her. He wants me."

"You're not going to meet him, Vause, are you?" Nicky said in disbelief. "Because that would be crazy."

"She is going to do what she has to," Red said, locking eyes with me and I nodded.

"If he wants me, he's going to fucking get me," I say firmly. "This is about Piper. I'll do whatever it takes."


	13. Chapter 13

_I liked that we could be loud and giggly and share jokes that had no punchline. I liked we could talk about our past and our present and sometimes the future (we were taking things slow), I liked, okay, I more than liked that she could never seem to get enough of me, that her insatiable appetite never seemed to be satisfied and she would spend all night and sometimes into the wee hours of the morning showing me as much. I liked how we would wrap up into one another after and she would lay her head on my chest, hair all matted with sweat, her cheek flush against the crook of my neck. I liked how'd she lay there like that for an eternity and sink into me again but in a calmer, lazier way. I liked that in that moment, the roles were reversed and I was the one keeping her safe in grounded in my arms a1nd no one else could possibly take her from me. I liked that sometimes, when we weren't talking and we weren't making love, we were just...together. Holding hands or not touching at all but always at arms reach. It didn't just feel right and safe and natural, it felt like home. Alex was my home._

 _"You're a million miles away," The light touch on my shoulder brought me back to reality and I turned to smile at my girlfriend apologetically._

 _"Sorry."_

 _She laughed and the familiar sound still gave me a rush of pleasure, even after three months of dating."Whatever you were thinking about must have been good," She grabbed my hand drapped over my chair and kissed the knuckles gently. For someone who could be pretty aggressive in the bedroom, she was as careful as hell with me otherwise, a fact that never ceased to amuse me._

 _The best part of Alex's apartment, our apartment (I was still getting used to the idea) was by far the rooftop view. When we weren't traveling, we would be up there, stargazing or sharing a bottle of wine or simply sitting in comfortable silence. Alex had first taken me there after we had only been dating for a few weeks. She told me she'd come there to destress whenever she was home and before I could say anything else, she let me know she never took anyone up there before me. It was a private thing for her and Slyvie hated heights so she didn't bother but she'd felt compelled to show me._

 _"It's a nice night," I mused aloud. And it was. The late summer sky was the color of ink and dotted with millions of tiny stars. I watched the cool breeze ruffle her hair and I couldn't resist tucking an errant strand behind her ear. With her raven hair and bright green eyes and red lips, she looked like a painting then, too beautiful to be real._

 _"You're changing the subject, kid," She teased but I could only shrug in response. It was so not cool to tell your sexy, confident, balls to the wall girlfriend how thinking about her was turning your mind and your heart into complete and total mush. She already had a pretty clear idea already on what she did to my body so I was not about to throw all my cards on the table just yet. I needed to maintain some sense of mystery, right?_

 _"If you must know," I replied with feigned exasperation, sticking my tounge out at her, "I was thinking about you. But don't get a big head or anything. Or like a bigger head."_

 _"Okay, first of all, unless you intend to put that tounge to good use, put it away. Second of all, you were thinking of me? Like how? Like in a bad way or..."_

 _There were times and they were rare, that I could detect small traces of doubt in Alex, this amazement that she was loved back, that I was with her, the idea that I wasn't going anywhere. I saw it first when she' told me she loved me months back and in her earnest and almost timid request I say it back. I found these small glimpses of another side of Alex endearing . It wouldn't be long before she'd answer a work phone call or take me into the bedroom or even order a coffee and the spell would be broken and she had easily slipped back into being so certain and so sure. I loved her confidence, her self certainty, of course, it was what had drew me to her in the first place but the little cracks in the armor of self assurance I'd seen made me fall more in love with her._

 _Instead of ribbing her, I rose from my chair and placed myself not so gracefully in her lap, giggling as she groaned at the way I flopped onto her with awkward familarity, my legs splayed across hers. "Defintely not in a bad way," I said, wrapping my arms around her neck. It sounded weird but I loved how she smelled. It was lavender soap and cigarettes and something that was simply just Alex. I breathed in deeply, burying my face in her hair, wondering how'd I had never before comprehended how it was possible to both completely lust and love a person equally._

 _I felt her smile against my chin and I knew my response had relaxed her. Her hands softened themselves against my sides and they stroked small, lazy circles through my shirt. "Tell me," she said softly._

 _"Tell you what? How I was thinking of you?" Her feather light touches were making me drunk drowsy, which was really the best kind of tiredness._

 _"Hmhmm," Alex murmured lowly, sending a shiver down my spine. "Were you thinking about last night?"_

 _She definitely knew how to make me blush. I felt the blood pool in my cheeks as I recalled our marathon sex session in which I was convinced our neighbors had heard us and called the NYPD to file a noise ordinance._

 _"Shhh," I admonished, nudging her in the ribs even though there was no one to hear. "Obviously, since you really want to know, I'll indulge you. " I squeezed my eyes shut, peering at her through half hooded lids. "This is going to sound so lame..."_

 _"I like it when you say lame things," Alex laughed again throatily and I ducked my head, embarssed. Maybe there really was a God and he would make the earth open up and swallow me whole. "Remember the first time we met?" I gave her another not so gentle nudge and she threw her hands up in defeat."Ok, Ok, just tell me. I promise I won't laugh."_

 _"You're making this into a bigger deal than it is," I grumbled, wishing I'd never opened up my big mouth. "Fine. I was thinking of us...how happy I am. I probably sound like the biggest loser right now but..." I took a deep breath, "You make me incredibly happy. Satisfied?"_

 _I decided to bite the bullet and look at her then. I knew she wouldn't be laughing as she'd promised and I knew she loved me but I half expected her to roll her eyes a little or give me an indulgent glance like I'd just said something adorable but that should be taken with a grain of salt. What I saw instead of either of those things surprised me._

 _There was no trace of mirth in Alex's green orbs. They danced and sparkled behind her glasses and I didn't need to even hear her say it to know how she felt._

 _"Pipes," She shook her head, her arms tightening around my waist. "Seriously, I'm not used to being this happy. It kind of," Alex dipped her head toward my ear. "It kind of scares me."_

 _We hadn't talked too much about her childhood but I knew she was raised by a single mother who often worked three or four jobs at one time trying to make ends meet. Kids had made fun of their old car and Alex's K Mart clothes and then she'd realized she liked girls which set her apart from everyone else even more so. I wished I'd known her then but eleven year old me was scared to rock the boat, to defend the underdog. I knew though, Al was not used to anyone's love, aside from her mother's. It was enough to scare the shit out of anyone._

 _"Hey," I tipped her chin toward me. "You don't have to be scared. It's OK...I'm here. And I'm not going anywhere anytime soon. You believe me, right?"_

 _Her eyes were wet and she touched my forehead with her own. "You know I love you, kid, don't you? " A question to answer a question._

 _I pressed my lips to hers, a promise. An answer to her query . A thank you._

 _And for awhile, it was just my lips on hers and her hands warm under my shirt and our legs intertwined and the soft sounds of our breathing, unhurried and steady. I could have stayed on the rooftop forever with no one but her. I needed no one but her._

 _I was invincible._

Slivers of light shone through my shrouded eyelids and very slowly, I opened them, groaning softly when my eyeball was assaulted by the sudden brightness.

Fuck, I felt as though I had been hit with a mack truck. My limbs were made of lead and it took everuthing in me to move my arms. And my head...holy shit. I forced myself to focus. To breath in and out, in and out.

It only took a few slow, steady breaths to concentrate beyond my throbbing, spinning head. Where the hell was I? A single thought came to my brain, who I was thinking of before I came to. I don't know why I was thinking of her and why that made me anxious but I physically ached for her at that instant. I needed to see her face, to know she was fine.

It dawned on me then, where I was and my heart began to pound as I finally focused enough to zero in on my surroundings. I was in a warehouse which was poorly lit and dingy and the reason I couldn't move my arms, the real reason, was due to the fact they were tied behind my back and then to a chair.

I gulped. This wasn't good. I racked my brain trying to recall what had happened, how I had ended up there but there was nothing but a blank space where my memories should've been.

And all at once, there was a pair of shoes in front of me, expensive shoes. I looked up.

"Hello, Piper," Kubra said amicably, "Nice to see you again."


	14. Chapter 14

Impulse control had never been my strong suit. I was barely 22 when I started working for Kubra and it didn't take me long to learn stupid, careless mistakes would cost you. People came and went quickly in that line of work and there was no cover up as to what happened to someone who fucked up. Once I learned the game, I was extremely careful to play it correctly. That was made me move up so quickly in the ranks and by 25, I was Kubra's most profitable trafficker, I owned my own huge loft in the village and I had purchased a house for my mom (Diane didn't ask too many questions about what I did for a living and I offered very few details other than I worked as an art importer for a private company. I simply omitted the fact I was importing drugs instead of art but that wasn't important at the time). The only time I had screwed up was after my mom died and Piper left and my head was all over the place. He'd given me a second chance and I had considered myself lucky because Kubra Balik didn't give second chances but really, I was the unluckiest woman in the world. No, not unlucky. Stupid and naive and hurting. I was always taking dumb risks, like meeting the sperm donor who I thought would be the missing piece to my puzzle but in actuality, was a huge disappointment. Impulsively, I took a job with Kubra to make myself feel important. And again, I was impulsive when I saw Piper for the first time, initially thinking she'd make a good mule and then falling for her so hard it consumed me.

So yeah, I tended to not look before I leaped but shit, this was different. I didn't care what happened to me, not really, not anymore, but I would be damned if I was about to let Piper pay for what I'd gotten myself into, what I'd gotten us both into.

Nicky, who was not as impetuous as I was (pretty ironic, considering her past) begged me not to meet with Kubra. "So you both can get fucking killed?" She implored me, "What are you thinking, dude?"

"I'm not, actually, " I pushed air out through my bottom teeth impatiently.I had no time for this and every second I wasted with inconsequential bullshit was another second where I couldn't get to Piper. "Just doing what I have to do."

"He plays games," Nikki argued, pacing up and down the cube like a caged animal. "You fucking said so yourself. So you're gonna show your face out behind the kitchen with no gun, no plan and no fucking clue and then what? Count's in fourty five minutes, Vause. They're all fucking morons around here lately but someone's gonna realize you two are missing. What if Kubra panics and just wastes you and Piper? Then all of this is for shit."

"Calm yourself, Nicky," Red scolded, placing a finger to her lips."Do you want to draw more attention?" She looked at me. "Vause is doing the right thing. We bring anyone into this, Chapman's dead. We don't even know where he's keeping her." The older woman paused and stared pointedly at Nicky. "What would you do if it were Lorna, huh? Would you just trust these morons, as you put it, to find her?"

I could tell without even looking at Nicky that Red had struck a nerve. "Then it's a fucking good thing we aren't talking about me, isn't it?" She turned to me. "Look, I get it, I do. You love her and you want to save her. It makes total sense except for one thing." Nicky stopped her frantic pacing to grab me by the shoulders, pulling herself up to her full, 5'2 height. "Kubra is a sociopath. He blows people away without a second thought. Don't try to be a hero, Vause." She regarded me seriously. "I don't think it'll end well. For either of you."

"I have no choice, Nick. I got Pipes into this whole mess and I'm going to get her out. Or die trying anyway. He wants something from me and I'm going to see what it is because I'll do anything if it means he'll let her go."

Nicky eyes were unreadable. "You really think he's just going to let her go?"

I knew how fucked this all was. I knew that a full out shitstorm was going to go down but I couldn't think about any of that. All that mattered was Piper. If I could see with my own eyes he hadn't touched her I could breath. And if I could breath, I could come up with a plan.

I turned to Red, grateful for her strong presence and grateful that she would be the one to prevent Nicky from going off the deep end and running to Caputo, no matter how strained their relationship was. "Can you do me a favor, when they do count? Can you make up a story as to where we are? Say we're together, say anything. Just to buy me some time until they sound the alarms and lockdown. Please."

Red took my hands in hers and squeezed with unexpected gentleness. "Go find her."

I put my hand over my shirt pocket where Pipes's letter lay. "I plan on it."


	15. Chapter 15

I wanted to spit in his face, to tell him to go to hell for all the pain he'd caused Alex, I wanted to tell him he'd never fucking win, no matter how hard he tried.

I said nothing. He was the one with all the power and more than likely, a weapon. I was tied to a fucking chair in a warehouse in god knew where and my head still hurt.

"I aplogize for the way Batu approached you, " Kubra pulled a chair over to sit across from me. "But I figured it was the best way to not draw attention."

"I was running," I whispered, finally remembering bits and pieces of what had taken place that morning. "On the track and I went to get my water bottle..." It happened so quickly it hadn't seemed real and I'd had no time to react, to scream, to fight back because he'd put a cloth over my mouth and then that was it, nothing but blackness.

Kubra offered me a sip from a cup of water, holding the straw to my lips. "Drink," he ordered pleasantly (His level of pleasantness was disarming if the truth be told) and I had a flash of spitting it right back into his smug smirking face. I wasn't afraid of him, though there was not a doubt in my mind he'd kill me without hesitation if I did something stupid. No, there was a bigger reason he'd taken me...and I knew it didn't have much to do with me at all.

As if he could read my mind, Kubra set the cup of water down on a nearby stool and regarded me silently for a moment. "I bet you're wondering why you're here. Just to set the record straight, Piper, you did nothing wrong." He smiled and the gesture chilled me. There was pure evil in that smile. "As a matter of fact, I'm grateful to you. You said you didn't know me during the trial. I know that was something Alex told you to say but regardless...I appreciate it. So this is nothing personal. The only stupid thing you did was to get involved with her in the first place." Kubra shook his head. "I make it a point to stay out of my employee's personal lives but I knew Alex wasn't on her...how do you say it? Ah, her 'A' game. She wasn't on her 'A' game when she was with you. She was making too many rash mistakes and I tried to be forgiving but...listen, Piper. I'm a business man. And as a business man, I need to do what's best for business. You must understand, you have some soap company, right?"

This man knew everything about me. How long had he been following me after I'd left Alex? The rhought caused my stomach to turn.

"I like Alex. I've always seen her as the daughter I've never had. But children disappoint their parents, don't they?" The jovial expression he'd been wearing darkened. " And Alex has turned out to be quite a disappointment. I'm sure you agree. I've asked her to join us here. Let's see if she shows. Let's see if she thinks you're worth it, Piper."

It was too much information to take in at once. Alex was unharmed and that was the part I leaned into, letting that thought envelop me. But her coming for me...no. I couldn't let that happen.

"Please ," I said, hoping my voice projected an air of confidence even though I was quaking inside. "Please...leave her alone. She didn't have a choice when she testified against you. I was pissed too but it wasn't her fault. Don't ask her to come."

I knew I was taking a huge risk even opening my mouth. Kubra didn't have to listen to a word I said. He could kill me whenever he pleased. The power lay entirely with him and he knew it. Still, I was going to make a case for Alex. I had been selfish my entire life and I was exhausted by it. I could do the right thing.

"I'm afraid I don't have a choice," Kubra replied, apparently unmoved by my plea. "I go to trial again for sending in my employee in She's going to testify against me and her testimony is what's going to bring me down. So as fucking sweet as your offer is, I can't consider it."

He leaned forward in his chair and peered at me. "Do you think she'd do the same thing for you? Put her life on the line to save you? Don't be naive. Vause is a player, a hustler. She does what she needs to do to survive and that's it. You think she loved you? She loved to fuck you maybe. But love?" He laughed hollowly. "She doesn't fucking know what love is."

Kubra's words were meant to sting, to wound, to make me believe them but I knew better. I'd seen her face in Paris when I'd left. I'd glimpsed her heart break wide open a few times after that. I saw how she looked at me every time we had made love. I'd acknowledged the concern in her eyes when she'd seen me in the bathroom and implored me to get that horrible fucking tattoo taken care of (it still hurt like a motherfucker). I knew she loved me. I questioned things with her but never her love. Not once. And I certainly didn't deserve it either but it was there none the less.

I closed my eyes tightly, praying the last images I saw before he killed me were of Alex, of black hair and blazing green eyes and albaster skin and warm lips. At least I'd gotten to know her love, even if it wasn't for nearly long enough. If I had to die in this dirty warehouse at the hands of an angry drug lord, I could stay locked inside my own head with my memories of her, where it was safe. And there wasn't a fucking thing Kubra could do about that.

Because the fact of the matter was, Alex was going to show. I knew she was. And she'd bargain for my life and try to protect me because that was what she did. And it wouldn't make any difference, anything she said or did or anything I said or did either, for that matter. Because I'd seen it in his face, the matter had already been settled long ago.

Kubra was going to kill the both of us.


	16. Chapter 16

It shouldn't been so easy to slip away but it was. Too easy, actually. Instead of one of Kubra's men being there to greet me behind the kitchen, I found another note tucked away leading me to my next desination and when I'd begun to follow its' directions, keeping an eye out for guards who might ask questions, my heart began to pound. It was ridiculous, especially since I'd seen men shot in front of me. I'd had kingpins put guns to my head. I was a bad ass bitch. But damn if I wasn't having second thoughts. Not about going after Pipes, not for a second, but maybe Nicky had been right. I had no way to protect either one of us if Kubra struck. Maybe I should've gotten back up...

Then a thought quieted me. I had taken Aydin down myself. With nothing but a garden shovel and my own hands and his knife. I could fucking do this myself. My shoulders rose up and I trudged across the yard toward the sewing room.

"What the hell?" I said aloud, squinting at the piece of paper in my hand. "The fucking sewing room?" Why was I being led there of all places? It had been closed down indefinitely, due to the Whispers company breaking their contract with MCC and the prision was in the process of converting it into something yet to be determined. I knew I wasn't about to be stopped by any guards around that area, but Piper couldn't possibly be there. It didn't make any sense.

As I reached the room, I slipped through the unlocked door. It was pitch black and I fumbled for the light switch when I felt a hand slip over my mouth. "Don't say a word," a low voice warned. The disembodied voice guided me through the darkened space.

We stopped and it was then that I saw light and I squinted at the sudden transition.

"Fuck," I breathed, realizing that my mouth was no longer covered. As I took in my surroundings, I recognized I was in an adjacent part of the sewing room, a part that had not been converted from a warehouse. It dawned on me then. Kubra hadn't taken Piper anywhere. He'd had her hidden at Litchfield the whole time.

"Thank you, Bato," I heard him say. His voice chilled me still. "Alex." He greeted, coming into my line of vision, looking exactly like the smug prick he did back in Chicago. "So glad you came. I think I may have something you want."

"I swear to god, if you touched one hair on her head..." I had to grit my teeth to stop myself from losing my shit.

"I don't think you're really in the position to make threats." Kubra said evenly. He held all the cards in his hands and he would use it to the hilt. Motherfucker.

"Where is she?" I needed to see with my own eyes he'd done nothing to her. Obviously I didn't trust him. Piper could be dead for all I knew and he was just standing there getting off on the fucking cat and mouse game he loved playing with me.

"How about you give me what I want first?"

I shook my head. "I'm not doing anything until I see Piper." I wasn't playing by his rules and he could have blown me away for my back talk right then and there if he wanted.

Silence. He stared at me, his expression unreadable. The old Alex never would've talked like that. I had been too scared of what he'd do to me but I'd already given up too much of my life for his bullshit. I had killed Aydin. He knew I wasn't that pathetic little girl anymore.

After what seemed like an eternity, Kubra nodded. "Fine. See for yourself." He pointed to a poorly lit corner of the room and then I saw her, tied to a chair, her eyes squeezed tightly shut, her cheeks tear stained. Did she not think I was coming? I felt my throat close and I stepped toward the chair.

"Pipes," I heard myself whisper in a voice that was not my own. " Oh sweetie...oh I am so sorry," I bent down in front of her. My poor, sweet Piper.

Slowly, her eyes opened as if my voice had brought her back from somewhere else. "Alex?" She said hoarsely, "Is that you?"

"Yes, babe, it's me." I couldn't stop the tears from flowing and I lay my head on her lap. She was in this situation because of me and I had to make it right. I had to.

Lifting my head, I looked to Kubra who had been watching us quietly. "What do you want? I'll do anything. Name it. As long as you let her go. She has nothing to do with this."

"Al-" Piper interrupted but I put my hand up to stop her.

"No, Pipes, it's OK." I locked eyes with my former boss. " Please, just let her go. She's not who you're angry with."

Kubra regarded me, his eyes sweeping me up and down and I felt ice fill my veins. " Sorry, Alex. You and I both know I can't do that."


	17. Chapter 17

Alex Vause didn't beg. It wasn't in her nature. The closest I'd ever seen her come was when I was leaving and she implored me to stay. Even then, it was more about the desperation in her eyes, the way her shoulders collapsed, all of her bad ass armor taken down by three words, rather than how she said it. But I left anyway.

The Alex who stood before Kubra was not the same Alex of months ago. She was not terrified or wary or anxious. Her arms were crossed in front of her chest, her mouth set in a thin line, eyes wide with fury. Yes, she begged for my life but she was matter of fact about it. I had nothing to do with any of it (which was funny because I had everything to do with it) and he should let me go. Crying on my lap aside, she was so certain and sure that my life was more important than her own (even though that wasn't true) that she stared Kubra down, almost daring him to contradict her. But it didn't matter.

Kubra told her he wouldn't let me go, us go, and I watched my brave, beautiful Alex stand her ground, her expression unchanged. She did not falter or tremble or cry. She simply looked at Kubra, eyes locked on him and let out a long, strained breath. "Why?" was all she said.

"It's very simple," If Kubra was taken aback by her question, he did not show it. " You fucked up. You testified against me, you're going to testify against me again. You're not a stupid woman, Alex. I don't have to spell it out for you." He ran his hand over his head, sighing. "Believe me when I say, I wish it didn't have to be this way. You had such great potiental, such great things waiting for you when you got out..." He trailed off. "But you know all this. I don't have to tell you."

I strained against the ropes holding me to the chair. God, my fucking wrists ached. I kept silent though, watching Alex, unmoving, unblinking, listening to Kubra give us this death sentence. I knew exactly what she was doing. I had seen it before. She wasn't going to give him the satisfaction of seeing her lose it. Her tears had been shed for me, I knew, not for the situation. Even if she were scared, which I was almost positive she had to be, she would not show him for a second what it was doing to her. There was no way Al was going to let him think he had won, even if he had.

"What makes you think you're going to get away with this?" Alex asked evenly. "Count is anytime now and when they realize we're missing, they'll sound the alarms. Someone will find us."

He laughed. "I picked this room for a reason. No one is going to find you. No one is coming."

"What, are you going to shoot us? Well, go ahead then. Fucking do it." Her voice was controlled but she arched her eyebrows toward Kubra and I knew she was livid. Who could blame her? He was doing just what she said he'd do, play sick, sadistic games to get revenge. He could have killed us the second she stepped foot into the room, but he didn't, instead having her see me tied up, knowing what it would do to her...

"Is that what you want? After all this...after you fought so hard the first time? I underestimated you, Alex. That was my mistake. I knew you were a fighter but I took that for granted. You don't take the easy way out, do you." He smiled again, that same smug, full of shit smile that made want to punch him in the face. "Neither do I. You deserve better than a fucking gunshot to the head."

"She deserves better than any of this," I managed to find my voice, as scratchy and weak from un use and dehydration as it was."This is fucked." I spat out angrily. "And it's not OK, none of it. You had her terrified for months, months that you were coming for her, had her constantly looking over her shoulder and then you send someone to kill her? And when he can't do the job, you come after me? For what? To torture her some more, right? To fucking drive that last nail in because she testified against you."

"Piper," Alex warned softly, "It's OK."

"No, it's not OK. And he's going to kill us anyway so it doesn't matter, does it?"

"Let her talk. It's what she's good at. I always thought you were a little too good at talking, Piper. You could stand to shut the fuck up." In two strides, Kubra was there, his palm connecting with the side of my face so hard that momentum made my head snap back.

I was rendered completely speechless, which I'm sure had been Kubra's intent when he'd hit me. Despite the ringing in my ears, I could still hear Alex's sharp intake of breath.

"You son of a bitch," Her voice was pure venom. "She didn't fucking do anything. It's me you want to hit. Hit me, torture me. Do whatever you want, but leave her alone. You touch her one more fucking time..."

I heard him pull his gun and cock it toward her. "What will you do? I'd like to know." I didn't have to look to know he was pointing it at her. "Sit. On the floor, next to Piper."

I fervently wished I had my hands free so that I could cradle my aching cheek. The welt that was forming there was the least of my problems though.

"Pipes," Alex whispered and I managed to swallow back some of the pain and turn to look at her. "I am so sorry."

"I know," I whispered back and I did not have to eleborate.

"Maybe I was wrong, what I said to you before," Kubra mused, turning to me. "Maybe she really does love you. I didn't think it was possible but I've been wrong before. Not many times but..." He locked his gaze on Alex. " Who said I couldn't be merciful, right? You two deserve to die together. I can give you that much."

Kubra leaned down and cupped Alex's face in his hands. "But quick, no. No, you will suffer. That will be your punishment. A father's lesson for his daughter, right? And you will learn your lesson, my girl. I'll make sure of it."


	18. Chapter 18

Kubra hadn't been remotely facetious about making us suffer. After he'd taken the ropes off of me, releasing me from the chair, he'd warned us not to do anything stupid and led us, along with Batu, into a tiny crawl space underneath the staircase. If I hadn't given up all hope before, the second I saw where he was planning on putting us, I felt all the air leave my lungs. It was small and damp and pitch black, save for a small sliver of light. The door could only be opened from the outside. There was no way in hell we'd be found. Kubra was essentially burying us alive.

"At least you have each other," He murmured darkly as he ushered us in the room, standing in the door frame as Batu pushed us to our knees, the only way Alex's 5'10 frame would fit in the little space.

"You sick fuck, " Alex spit toward him. "They'll figure out it's you, you know. When they come looking for us. Do you honestly think you can just leave us in this fucking hole to die and no one's going to put two and two together?"

"The truth?" He shrugged cooly. "I don't." And with that, he shut the door, Batu trailing behind him, leaving us engulfed in darkness.

"Motherfucker," She kicked the door. "God damn motherfucker!" "I could only make out her silhouette as she slid back down the length of the wall.

"I know," I managed to choke out as tears sprung into the corners of my eyelids. I couldn't determine whether they were from my aching cheekbone and wrists or from our doomed situation. Quite possibly a little of both.

As if snapped out a trance, Alex turned toward me. "Pipes," She exhaled. "Are you OK? I mean he fucking hit you," She said, the fury at what Kubra had done still evident in her tone.

"I'm fine." The unspoken sentiment lay there in the air between us. Physically, I was fine. But in my head, no, I was numb.

"I always thought knowing exactly how you were going to die would be kind of reassuring you know?" I mused. "I mean, it's the fear of the unknown that makes people crazy, not knowing when or how it's going to happen...For awhile there, I thought it was going to be Pennsatucky, with a knife to my throat when I wasn't looking. She'd come up behind me and..."I trailed off. "Anyway...it still sucks because I know I'm going to die here and I've screwed up so badly. With so many people. And I'll never have a chance to make it right."

In the blackness, I could see her inch toward me. "Piper," she said thickly and I knew she was crying. "I am so, so sorry I got you into this fucking diaster. You should've run far, far away when I came up to you that first time and not looked the fuck back."

"Didn't you tell me we had to stop playing the blame game?" I shook my head. "I stopped blaming you for anything a long time ago. I'm a big girl, I knew what I was doing. And it's about damn time I said it to you."

And it was the truth. There was no life altering realization that came one day over breakfast while I was eating runny eggs. It wasn't something I even thought about, really. It was just a plain abd simple fact and something I'd known all along but couldn't voice. The facts were alot harder to digest than the lies I'd fed myself and other people.

"You don't deserve this. It shouldn't end like this."

"No, it shouldn't. And I wish...fuck. I wish I'd done so many things differently." I searched for her face though I could barely make out the outline of her features. "I did some...really shitty things...I hurt you, Alex, over and over..."

"No, kid." Alex replied softly. "We hurt each other."

"Yeah," I acknowledged and we were silent. We had never needed words. And now, anything I could say just seemed inadequate.

"Piper," Alex moved closer to me, her arm brushing mine. "I read your letter."

When I had envisioned Alex and I discussing the letter, I had fully anticipated claming up and pulling the typical Piper move of making excuses, how vulnerable a place I'd been in when I'd left it under her pillow, what a fucked up state I'd been in when I had written it...I knew I would've panicked and tried to convince both of us that it was no big deal. I had also fully expected to be at Litchfield when that conversation happened, not shoved together into a dark hole with no way out.

Instead of panic, I felt a strange calm settle over me. This was it, all of our chips were out on the table now. No more lies, no more bullshit. I didn't have to worry about hurting her or putting her in harms way because this was it. Our fate was inevitable.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah and...shit. I wished I had known back then. How you felt, how scared you were. I did know, a little. But I ignored it." Her hand rested on my shoulder and I felt myself sigh a little as I relaxed into the familar weight of it. "I thought if I could just keep making you happy, take you all over the world, show you how much I loved you, you'd forget why you were so scared. And you'd stay." She shook her head. "But reading your letter...I was so fucking selfish. I should've helped you...I..." Alex trailed off and squeezed the top of my shoulder gently. "I just really, really wanted you to stay."

"Al," I touched her cheek, wiping away a stray tear."That was all me. There was nothing you could've said or done to have changed my mind. I wrote that letter because you needed to know how sorry I was for leaving you like that. How sorry I was that I couldn't love you like you deserved. Then I got a second chance, and I fucked that up too"

"Pipes, it doesn't matter now."

"It does to me, Alex. All my life, all of it, I made the right choices, the safe choices. I was who my parents expected me to be and who society said I should be and then one day, I meet this tall, drop dead gorgeous woman in a bar who completely changes everything I ever knew. And instead of taking that chance to stop being the complete pussy I have been my entire life, I run scared. And I fuck up with this woman, the love of my life, by the way, over and over again, even though I get more second chances than I deserve. And now, my chances have run out. This is the end of the line. "

"OK, yes. You hurt me. You lied to me, you left me, you didn't believe me. And all of that sucked and yes, who's to say in the miraculous event we some how were found, that we wouldn't fall back right where we left off in the same fucked up cycle. I used to think we were toxic together, just like you said but..." She hesitated. "The thing is, I don't care, Piper."

I laughed hollowly. "You don't care?"

"No," She admitted quietly. "I don't care how fucked up we both are or about shitty we were to each other. Because when I was in that greenhouse with Aydin and I made my mind up I wasn't going to die, all I could think about was you. All I saw was your face every fucking time I closed my eyes." She moved closer to me so that our hips were touching."That is what means something. The only time I was ever really happy was when I was with you."

I often wondered if I had some flaw in my genetic make up, some blip in my DNA where I was unable to see what I had until it was being taken away from me. Despite all the shit I'd put her through, Alex said I made her happy. There were a thousand and one reasons I'd stayed away, told myself I only brought her pain but I made her happy. And she made me happy. Another truth.

"I'm sorry I didn't believe you about all this, " I gestured. Thousands of apologies and still there would never, could never, be enough. I had to try to get them out while there was still time.

Alex was quiet and I felt a sharp pain of guilt as I realized she'd shoved down the pain of how badly I had betrayed her with my unwillingness to listen and that shit with Stella. "Yeah, well," she said finally, "you were scared. I get that now. I was a mess and you didn't know how to deal. I was always the one taking care of you...believe me, I know how fucked up I was. Doesn't mean it didn't hurt and I'm not making excuses...but I know it was easier for you to tell me I was being paranoid rather than deal with something scared you."

"Because I'm a coward, Al. I told you that. I run away from things instead of facing them."

"And I've told you you're braver than you give yourself credit for. I blamed myself you know," Alex's hand still rested on my shoulder and she made slow, comforting circles with her fingers as she talked. "For you being so cold with the panty business shit...I thought, I put her here in the first place, I made her feel she had to be hard to protect herself...because I couldn't. I tried so hard, Pipes, I really did. I just wanted to keep you safe."

"I know," I repiled softly. And she had. She'd done nothing but protect me from everything she could and yet, here we were. Clearly, I wasn't the only one blaming myself. "And you didn't make me turn into an asshole. The truth is," I smiled slightly into the darkness, "I liked making people afraid of me. It was the sense of...control, it gave me, you know? Like I didn't have control over much in my life but with the business, I had this powet over people." My smile faded. "Except I let it go completely to my head."

"Jesus, we were idiots weren't we," Alex let her hand drop from my shoulder and drew me into her side. "All of this stupid shit...when it was so simple."

'Maybe..." I said carefully into her hair, "Maybe all of the stupid, petty stuff was leading to this. Maybe we had to have the Larry's and the Stella's and the drug lord's and the panties to realize we were worth fighting for."

Alex laughed and pressed a fleeting kiss to my temple. "I kind of wish it didn't take us being fucking buried alive by a lunatic to realize it."

The gravity of our situation momentarily silenced us and we sat, Alex's chin on my head, my face in the crook of her neck, breathing her in like she was home (she was), my hot tears falling furiously onto her skin as she anchored me, stroking the small of my back.

"I was scared too," She whispered. "I thought a future meant letting go of who I was...that sense of adventure. I wanted you but I didn't want to lose myself. And without the business, I didn't really know who that was but...it doesn't mean shit, Piper. Any of it. Only us. I wish I could give you that life you wanted. If things were different, I would. I'd give it all up for you..."

"But don't you see, I wouldn't change anything. I loved every second I was with you. I loved our traveling. I loved the apartment. I loved waking up in your arms...I loved that nobody in this prision could ever know me half as well as you did. We had a great life. Drug dealing and insecurities snd all." And as I said it, I knew it was true.

"We did, didn't we?" Alex choked back something that was between a laugh and a sob."God, I really fucking missed you. I wish we were in Bali or Tathi, right now, on our own little private beach and I was putting that coconut oil you always used to use all over your back and we were swimming in that water that was so fucking blue. And it was just us..."

"Me too," I whispered back and we were quiet again. Neither of us had to say how horribly fucking unfair the whole thing was or how much it sucked that we were going to lose one another again, permanently this time. Instead, we clung to each other, trying to keep the fear at bay.

"Babe." Alex gently lifted my chin and cupped my face in both of her warm hands, careful not to press to hard against the bruise there. "You asked me once what the endgame was. I want you to know...it was you, Piper. " Her voice broke, "It was always you."

She kissed me then and I tasted the salt of her tears and her promise that she'd be with me until the end and I kissed her back with everything I had.

And as we found each other again, as lovers always do, I memorized her touch on my skin, the valleys and curves of her body underneath my hands, how she tasted. I didn't want to forget a single detail of Alex. Remember this, remember everything, I told myself over and over.

Because that is what I would take with me when it was all over.


	19. Chapter 19

It had been way too long since she'd been in my arms but it was as if there had been no time in between this time and the last. She was thinner (too thin) so she felt more fragile and although I tried to be as gentle as I could, she wasn't having any of it. There was nothing careful or unhurried about the way she touched me or how she wanted me to touch her and though there was tenderness, there was a great urgency. We had wasted so much time already and now there wasn't time left. We spoke only through touch and kisses and hot mouths and fingers. There was no need for much else.

I kissed her bare shoulder as I held her and if I had had tears left, I would have cried because it felt so good and so right to have her as my "little spoon ", especially when I thought we would never get that again. We had always been our best, just like this, after sex, calm and relaxed and intertwined in each other. It was my favorite thing in the world to hold a sweaty and content Piper, and listen to her ramble about anything and everything, her voice drunk and lazy with spent pleasure.

Now she was quiet. This was different and we knew it. The sex was not the same as it would have been if we'd been above ground, where we would have been rushed but not as frantic. There would have been no reason to be afraid, to worry about anything except possibly getting caught and not thinking it would be the last time because it would just be the first of many. Now I focused on tangibles, the freckles dotting her shoulder blade, the smell of Pantene when I buried my face in her hair, the curve of her hip; my favorite place to kiss (my second favorite place). These things were more important than anything else. Things I could think about when I started to drift away.

"Hey," she said softly, breaking the silence and she turned to look at me and though I couldn't see her eyes very well in the darkness, I already knew what they held.

"Hey," I traced her cheekbone and along her jawline, slowly, gently, with none of the ferocity with which we had consumed one another earlier. Now we could afford to take our time. What we had of it, anyway. My hand drifted down to the spot on her ribs where her tattoo was.

"It's here," Piper guided my hand and I let my fingers sweep over the raised ink. "Stella said it was stupid...like that other tattoo wasn't the biggest mistake ever...sorry, I shouldn't have brought her up."

I smiled. "I don't think there's any off limits topics anymore here, Pipes. We pretty much laid all of our shit out there. All truths from here on out..."

She kissed me fleetingly. " So...yeah, it's for you. As much I fucked up, I always loved you. Infinity. I just didn't figure it out until afterwards."

I bent to lay a kiss where my fingers had traced. "And you did it yourself, huh?"

"It was a good pain. Like when I got my fish."

I couldn't help but smirk as I touched the back of her neck. We'd been scuba diving in Bali and the next day after an all nighter of hot sex and too many tequila shots, Piper had begged me to take her to get a tattoo on the mainland. I had asked her about five million times if she was sure (she was pretty hungover, from both the sex and the tequilia) before I took her to the guy who'd done the salt shaker on my shoulder. She'd held onto my hand and her eyes never left mine but that was the extent of it. She hadn't made so much as a wimper. I liked that she was getting her first tattoo with me and I liked even more she was getting something that was meaningful. The fish had literally swum right up to us in the water and Piper had been so adorably excited, she'd squeezed my arm ."This is our first trip together. I never want to forget it." Instead of trying to get away from the pain, she had leaned into it, embraced it, her blue eyes locked on my gaze as Len filled in the colors of the fish. It had turned on the both of us, especially since I had to clean it for her a few times a day, running my fingers gently over the ink. We ended up having sex right within public view on the beach, not having made it back to our hotel room.

"Yeah, I remember. Speaking of tattoos..." My hand lightly covered her forearm, wincing as I touched the raised scabs. "Does it hurt?"

She swallowed hard. "A little, yeah. Not one of my finer impulsive ideas. I guess I don't really have to worry about it now."

" _Fuck_. I hate this. I _hate_ this." Rationallyl I knew my tears wouldn't change anything, I could cry a fucking river about much the whole situation blew and we'd still be exactly in the same place we were.

"You don't have to do that." Piper stroked my hair.

"Do what?"

"Be strong for me. It's OK to be pissed."

"Aren't you pissed?"

"Oh I'm fucking furious. And scared. Terrified. But...I don't know...at the same time, I'm...I'm OK. Because we're together. Finally. And right now, that's what I'm hanging on to." She kissed me and I held her tightly. There was that word again. Brave.

"Hey," I said quietly when we'd parted. "Can I ask you something?"

"Mmmhmm," She murmured her consent into my hair.

"If you could do it all over again...would you have left in Paris? If we could've worked things out, I mean." I knew it was incredibly self indulgent for me to ask and really, what did it matter now but somehow it seemed important to know.

"The truth?"

"The truth."

"No. Not knowing what I know now."

"And what do you know?" I pulled her closer to me, if that were possible. "How this would all end?"

"No," Piper replied, her voice full of affection. "Knowing how much I need you. And how I don't care what anyone thinks of me anymore. And how much I can't live without you. You're my endgame too, you know."

There wasn't much to say after that, so I concentrated on kissing all of her; her forehead and her eyelids, her hairline, her jawbone, the bridge of her nose. I'd gotten as far as the space between her chin and the hollow of her throat when I felt her still.

"What's up, kid?" I questioned softly, feeling that fierce protection well up in me even though she'd proven she could more than hold her own.

"How do you think it'll happen?" Piper asked. "I mean, without any water, it'll probably only take a couple of days. I'm not trying to be morbid here but..."

"The truth?"

I felt her smile against my temple. "Nothing but truths from here on out."

"I think we'll just go to sleep. And that'll be that."

"Do you believe in God?"

I thought for a minute. "I don't know. I used to know how to answer that and it was always a resounding fuck no but...I don't know." I paused. "Do you?"

"I used to. God, heaven, fluffy white angels, the whole nine yards. Not that we went to church all that much, only on holidays, but it all sounded beautiful and nice and...safe. You were good, you did all the right things, you went to heaven. Like a fairytale or something. But I grew up and now all I care about is what's real. And you're here and you're real. And no matter how it's going to happen, I know that. "

I kissed her again and time seemed to slip away a little after that. We talked and not talked and made love while we still had the reserved energy. I knew one of us would go before the other and that was the part that bothered me the most.

As I lay quietly, trying not to think about how incredibly fucking thirsty I was, I started to hear things. Like shouting. Loud shouting. And banging. And I thought, Holy fuck, am I going into shock already? We couldn't have been down here for very long but who knows.

"Do you hear that?" I asked Piper.

"Yeah," she craned her head toward the sound. " It sounds like it's close to us."

My heart thudded wildly in my chest because I knew if she could hear it too then it was most definitely not my imagination or wishful thinking.

The shouting got louder and louder and I turned to her. "I don't think it's Kubra. He's bound to be long gone by now. It's got to be CO's. "

We both scooted ourselves over to the small door, pounding on it with balled fists with all of our might.

"Vause, Chapman?" It was Caputo. "Inmates, if you're in there, make yourselves known."

"I've never been so happy to hear Caputo in my life,' I muttered to Piper. "Yes, we're both in here ", I yelled, slightly jarred at how calm my voice sounds to my own ears.

And with that, the door was opened and we were found.


	20. Chapter 20

_Authors Note: This is the end of the road for our girls! I want to thank everyone who read, commented, favorited, followed and atuck with the journey of PT. I loved writing it and hoped you all enjoyed it. I plan on beginning a new story soon!_

 _Jess_

If there was one thing I took away from my time at Litchfield was that not everything could be fit into neat, concise squares to be folded and tucked away into a pocket somewhere. Things weren't that streamlined and simple like I had strived so hard for them to be. That all felt like a lifetime ago, like a life someone else had lived. I compartmentalized everything so much it almost ceased to exist because it was easy. Easier than owning up to who I really was. The thing is, life's complicated. People are complicated. Shit gets messy, then it gets good and just when you think all's OK, shit gets messy again. And I'm learning that's not something to be scared of. Not anymore. Not when I have her by my side. When I start to feel blinding panic again, the kind that feels like the walls are closing in, she squeezes my hand so lightly it's barely a squeeze at all and just like that, she brings me back. Because she knows. She gets it.

When we were spared from imminent death, things went down really quickly. Red and Nicky, as it turns out, had more than our backs. Nicky hadn't thought Alex could handle Kubra on her own, in spite of her insistence to the contrary and she had known there wasn't anyway to change her mind so she very discretly tailed her after count had been conducted while Red made up a bogus story as to where we were. By the time the CO's realized we were nowhere to be found and lock down was in effect, Nicky could safely inform them of our whereabouts.

Then came alot of questions (after all the water we could stand to drink and being checked out by medical, which included that fucking tattoo finally being treated with antibiotics) about what happened, not all of which we had answers to and spending two nights in seperate areas with guards stationed by the doors and media coverage like nothing you'd believe. It was insane. Caputo was fired for letting something as nuts like this happen not once but twice and the manhunt for Kubra went on as Alex and I were both sent to different safehouses. It sucked not havung her around but I really didn't know where we stood, even after everything that had happened.

I had been in living in the safehouse for just shy of a week with no contact with the outside world, no clue what the hell was happening with a trial, if there was even going to be a trial, and no answers whenever I asked about Alex when got a knock on the door and she was standing on the other side of it, a guard behind her. "Can we have some privacy please?" She requested to the guard, her eyes trained on me. After he relayed he'd be right outside the door and to keep it quick, Alex closed the door behind him and took a deep breath. And for a moment, neither one of us moved.

It was Alex who finally closed the gap between us and took me into her arms. "Pipes," she breathed, holding me back a bit for a closer look. "They wouldn't tell me anything...where you were, if you were okay...are you okay?"

"I'm fine," I wrapped my arms around her neck and brought her closer to me. "But I was worried about you too," I stroked her hair, relieved that she was here, even though I didn't know for how long. "God, I missed you." A week had felt like an eternity when I'd just gotten her back, when we had just begun to heal some of the hurt.

"I missed you," She kissed me and I allowed myself to breathe, to release some of the apprehension I had (in typical Piper fashion), holding on to. Whatever happened, we could get through it.

After we'd parted, Alex led me over to the small table and chair in the room. "Sit," she directed gently and when I did, she took my hands in hers. "Kubra's dead." She looked into my eyes. "It's over, Pipes. All of it. It's finally fucking over."

For a brief moment, I lost the ability to speak. "How?" I finally asked. It didn't seem possible. Kubra had been untouchable for the longest time that it was difficult to believe he was really and truly gone.

Alex ran her thumbs up and down over my knuckles as she spoke, a gesture I knew was more for her own comfort than mine but I said nothing. It was what she needed now that mattered, something I was just beginning to learn. "They tracked him down. He was almost out of the country but they got him. There was a shoot out...anyway," She shook her head. "The important thing is he's gone." She looked down at our intertwined hands. "He can't hurt us anymore. " Alex paused, pushing her glasses up on her head. "It's weird though...he was sloppy. The way he thought he was going to just get away with leaving us to die so that he didn't really cover his tracks. It's not like him. Maybe he just got cocky, I don't know..." She trailed off.

"Alex," I gave her hand a gentle squeeze. "It doesn't matter, does it? Kubra is gone. No more living in fear, no more looking over your shoulder. You don't have to tesify against him now. It's over. It's finally over."

Her expression was unreadable and I felt a pang of insecurity. "What is it, what aren't you telling me ?"

"You'll hear it later today from Caputo's replacement but...I'm getting released. It was all part of a deal..."

"Wait, what?"

"They want to cover their asses...again. If Litchfield gets any more bad publicity, they'll get shut down so they worked out a deal for me. I'm on parole again." Her eyes were pleading behind her glasses and once again, I wondered when the tables had turned and she'd begun apologizing to me. "Please don't be mad."

My head was reeling from all the information; Kubra was dead, Alex was getting out. "I'm not...mad, Alex," I managed, realizing almost too late that my pausing might appear I felt just the opposite. "I'm surprised."

"Piper," Her voice softened and she lifted my hand to place a soft kiss on my open palm, "This isn't going to change anything with us. It doesn't have to...not if you don't want it to." If I was looking for any trace of hesitancy in her words, I couldn't detect any. "I meant what I said."

"It's not that. It's just...we're so fragile still, you know? There was so much bad shit between us for so long and maybe you can forgive me but it's going to take longer for me. I can't just...it's going to take time to fix stuff, really fix it and I don't know...it'll be that much harder to do if you're not here."

I knew I sounded whiny and selfish and no, I didn't want her to leave me. I had almost lost her twice and I never wanted her out of my sight. And yes, I was happy she was getting her freedom back, away from Litchfield and sadness and fear. Of course I wanted that for her. But fuck...I had just gotten her back and she was leaving me again. I ached thinking of it.

As if she could read my mind, she shook her head. "Nothing could change my mind about us, OK? And I'm never going back to that life, Piper. I promise you. I mean, I don't know what I'm gonna do once I'm out but it won't be illegal."

"I know. I'm just going to miss you so fucking much," I whispered and she drew me into her arms. And all at once, the world faded away. Alex had always been the only person in my life with the ability to make everything disappear.

"Listen, Pipes," She made small, slow circles on my back. "I can't really say much now but I'm trying to make things right...I'm really trying. I'm doing everything I can. I want you to know that, OK?"

"What are you talking about?"

"I can't go into details now," She shook her head. "But if it all works out, it'll be so good for us."

A loud rap on the door interrupted us and the CO who had brought Alex to me stuck his head into the room. "Time's up," he said brusquely.

"One minute, please?" Alex implored, flashing him a pretty but very un Alex like smile. No one in their right mind could easily resist her charm when she chose to turn it on.

"Just one minute," He demured and shut the door behind him.

"Come here," She commanded gently and I obeyed. "I don't know when I'll get to see you before I leave but Pipes, please...just trust me, can you do that? I know I asked that before and I screwed up and I really have no fucking business asking you again but...please. Please just trust me."

I looked into her green orbs and for the first time in a long time, I wasn't scared. I didn't question her motives. There was no baggage anymore, nothing left to lay out on the table. Whatever she had planned, I had faith it would all be OK.

"I trust you," I said firmly. "Whatever happens, I do."

"I love you," Alex pressed her forehead against mine. Our lips found one another's and all too quickly we had to part.

"I love you too," I murmured, willing the tears not to fall. "Be safe," I hugged her tightly to me.

"I'll do my best," Alex stroked my hair, once, twice, her eyes betraying her even tone. "Don't worry, kid. Everything will be fine."

"Where have I heard those words before?" I teased and she smiled and was gone. My world was turned upside down again.

As it turned out, Alex didn't leave me without a parting gift, one I found out about only a few days later when her lawyer came to visit and to personally tell me, per Alex's request that I was being released a month early due to "good behavior" (they needed to put something offical on the documents but it was a load of shit because my behavior had been anything but good in the past few months) but in reality, as part of her own deal, Al had worked out something for me too. She'd taken a huge gamble with the leverage she had and it had paid off.

The night before I left, I lay in bed, my eyes glued to the ceiling. I couldn't sleep. Nicky and Lorna had thrown me a little going away party. Nothing big as most of the other inmates still hated my guts but it was more than enough. Even Red had shown up, bearing a cake. "Don't you fuck this up again, Blondie," She'd murmured in my ear as I hugged her. "Vause is crazy about you. I got to see it first hand."

Fucking up was exactly what I was worried about, nine hours before I was finally set free. My father had been right. I wasn't marketable anymore, who would hire me? My friendship with Polly was in shambles. Alex said I could live with her in the one bedroom apartment she'd found in Brooklyn but that was terrifying too...jumping in to living together could either work or be disastrous. I wasn't twenty three anymore. The conversation with my parents had not gone well when I had told them I was getting out but I'd be living with Alex. I was done worrying about what they thought of me or my relationship ( with the exception of Cal and Neri, no one from my family had been by since the disastrous birthday visit.) and it was absolutely freeing. The ball was in their court completely but the whole situation still annoyed me. The thought of the outside world, with all of its pitfalls and uncertainties was both exciting and absolutely fucking terrifying.

My fears, though somewhat justified in some aspects, were completely unfounded in others. The second I saw Alex outside the gate, her face beaming, leaning against a car that looked older than I was, I could breathe. I knew then what twenty three year old me couldn't possibly have known...that there was no reason to be afraid. Because this was it. Alex, she was it. And yeah, maybe it wasn't perfect and maybe we had a ways to go because we weren't who we were the first time around but finally, finally for the first time in my life, it was enough.

There are precious things that people take for granted. Like friendship. Alex surprisingly was who convinced me to forgive Polly. It certainly didn't happen overnight and it wasn't easy but gradually we grew close, if not exactly where we were before prision and Larry. But we revived the soap business and it became pretty successful. So successful in fact, we needed to hire a business manager to help process orders. And it was no surprise that Alex was the obvious choice with her business savvy. It also brought an unexpected gem; a truce between Polly and Alex. They would never be best friends but it was nice to know we could all work together and their would be no blood shed. Alex had also grown very fond of Finn and I liked to tease her about it relentlessly. "You know I'm not a kid person," She'd always reply defensively, rolling her eyes but whenever she'd think I wasn't looking, Finn would be in her lap, pointing out the pictures in Good Night Moon or she would be sitting on the floor coloring with him or playing cars. It was pretty adorable. We also got to see Larry alot, since he'd moved into Polly's apartment. That made for some awkward dinners but after awhile we all learned to tolerate each other.

And love. Alex and I had our moments, especially since our first apartment together (after our last first apartment together) was pretty small and in close quarters, we tended to bump heads over stupid things but nothing crazy and nothing a few hours apart and some make up sex couldn't resolve. If anything I was grateful to argue about something silly like whose turn it was to clean the bathroom or drinking all the milk and sticking the empty container back in the fridge (that one was all Alex). It was a welcome departure from fighting over drug mules and Kubra and panties. The very mundane, normal nature of it all relieved the both of us. We could focus on the future and it felt good.

"Ready, Pipe?" Polly's voice cuts through my stream of consciousness and I shrug.

"As I'll ever be, I guess."

"Well you look beautiful. Are you sure about this? There's still time to change your mind, you know." Polly may have been kidding but with all of our history, who knew really. She fishes a passport out of the pocket of her sundress, waving it in my face.

"I'm sure," I stare at my reflection in the mirror. A simple white eyelet dress. Minimal make up. My hair is long and flowing down my back. Polly is right; I feel beautiful. Better than that, I feel free. And it is has nothing to do with being outside of prision walls. "Let's do this," I tell her firmly, not because I'm afraid of getting cold feet but because I've wasted too much precious time already. I was ready for the rest of my life.

I hug Polly tightly, glad she is here for me like this, glad we are back to us again and I tell her as much. "I just did it for the free trip to Tahiti," she quips, but I can see tears in her eyes.

Cal pops his head in the door of the tent. "Ready, sis?" He asks. I nod and Polly hands me my bouquet of island flowers. It's now or never. With a deep breath, I step outside the tent and begin my slow descent down the flower strewn aisle, Polly in front of me.

I walk past the familiar faces, Larry and Neri and a few of my college friends. Glaringly absent are my parents and that stings for a minute (we'd recently begun to speak again) before I shake the thought. Cal, as if he can read my mind, squeezes my arm a little and not for the first time, I'm incredibly grateful he's in my corner. In our corner.

Finally, Polly reaches the top of the aisle and our small array of guests rise as Cal and I follow. And I see my bride, in a identical simple white dress, eyes shining, looking more radiant than I've ever seen her look. My brother kisses my cheek and gives me over to Alex. She kisses Cal and takes my hands into her own. Alex beams at me, her smile like sunshine, her hands warm and safely tucked in mine. As the officant speaks of love, our eyes connect and I can't ever remember being this happy.

And that is the most precious thing of all.


End file.
